Tuesday, November 8, 2011

But When You Rub It, It Turns Into a Suitcase

Today the captain of our ladies' tennis team had a lunch at her house for us to celebrate the end of our season. Not that we had a particularly triumphant season, but that we got through it and nobody cried. This girl is wrapped a little tight--she's an anxious perfectionist about her house--but is a genius cook. These are good traits in a luncheon hostess. She made all the food herself: butternut squash soup, two different kinds of small quiches, asparagus wrapped in prosciutto, grape salad, champagne. Simple, but good and lunchy. That's not what I came in to tell you though.

While we were eating--we were just eight at the table--my partner T told us that she uses a face cream made with cells from human foreskins. She was all, "I use a face cream made of foreskins. Yes, you know, foreskins. More prosciutto anyone?"

I enjoyed hearing this fact. So this is a thing? I thought it was only an episode of Nip/Tuck. We all complimented her on her skin at that point, and it is very lovely. The funny thing is that she is not the character you would expect to bust out with that personal grooming tidbit. I figured her for a Noxema girl, straight up.

Then talk turned to our tennis coach. She is what any non-stone blind observer would recognize as a butch lesbian. But she is long married to a man and is the mother of three children with him. She has home schooled them all and coached them to be excellent tennis players. This situation needed discussing, since we don't usually get together when we are not in her presence. I confessed that I found her kind of attractive, or that I responded to her masculine aspects. Several heads around the table were nodding. Then that situation needed discussing.

Then I got the name and price of the foreskin serum from T and then that was lunch.

Any interesting chat in your day?


Roving Lemon said...

I don't know what it says about me that the part of this post I was most intrigued by was "grape salad." Can you elaborate? Is this a southern thing? What else is in it, other than grapes? (Fingers crossed the answer isn't "foreskins.")

Beth said...

OK, I LOLed at both the post and Roving Lemon's comment about the grape salad ingredients.

Well, what was the consensus? Tennis coach is a hottie? I must hear more about this.

Where exactly do they get the foreskins? Are they baby foreskins, like from circumcisions? Or are they cadaver foreskins? And would you STOP SAYING FORESKIN?!?

Becky said...

I will stop saying foreskin when you do!! I do not know where they get the foreskin. None of the options is appealing to think about in the least!

Matt read this post and said, "You are forbidden from purchasing this face cream." Joy killer.

Now, grape salad: it was whole red grapes mixed with cream cheese, chopped pecans, and brown sugar. I think that was all. Utterly foreskin-free and delicious!

Elizabeth said...

Actually, yes. I learned that three couples from our neighborhood Catholic school (parents) got wasted at a recent fundraiser and SWUNG. Like, changed partners. I really can't stand any of these people, so I got a huge kick out of that.

Amy said...

Roving Lemon, you are hilarious! But foreskins are gluten free, so I don't see what the problem is...

Elizabeth!! And another !! Wow. You win. That is like the juiciest thing ever, or maybe I am just sheltered? They swapped? AT A SCHOOL FUNCTION? Dang, that is next level right there.

Beck, I too saw the tennis coach and I too was surprised to hear she was married to a dude. Your discussion of the whole attraction issue would've been delightful to hear! This whole post was, in fact.

And also: Foreskin! Foreskin foreskin foreskin!

Bren said...

I can remember, without even looking at it again, the woman who must've been the coach from the photo you posted the other day.

And I just reread the title of your post!

Michele R said...

There is a couple with two kids near us that reminds me of your tennis coach.
Baby boy foreskins are Big Biz!$$ (without asking the parents' permission) I remember back in the 90's when NuSkin was in the news--maybe they used placentas?

Anyway, maybe the facecream is the new Botox, but it sure is expensive--check out this quote from an article:

"The cost of one bottle of TNS is about $130. And that will last you about a month and a half. How does it smell? Well that's another downside. Just ask anybody who uses it."

"It's disgusting. It's got a sour smell to it that makes you want to gag," says Blair. "But you get used to it."

Amy said...

Is it just me, or is there anyone else who realized they will never make that grape salad (or perhaps any other), solely because of now-permanent association with a certain FACE CREAM INGREDIENT??

Gahhhhhh. And, for the record? I'm with Matt.

And going back to check out the team photo now.

Anonymous said...

The first ingredient in my face cream is Unconditional Love & Gratitude. I love it so much.

Monday night, I confessed to a Ballet Mom that I did not enjoy The Nutcracker bc I found it too narratively complex. She was sweet to me when she cocked her head & asked, "Do you know that it's Clara's dream?" No, I had never known that. Now I'll have to see it again. Good thing.

Marsha said...

There is so much here that I'm going to need DAYS for processing. Days.

Becky said...

Sorry guys, Coach isn't in that photo! Also she looks like a guy. It's not that she's hot, not at all. She's just got something...maybe it's that she's a great tennis coach.

And there is an unfortunate association between foreskins and grapeskins in this post.

TNS serum, that's the one she uses.

Elle, I'm patting your cheeks! Did you really not know it was Clara's dream or is this your usual rapier wit? LOL. But it's true, by the time the Rat King shows up I'm all WTF?

Nina said...

I have to say I've never been able to discern a plot as such in The Nutcracker. Lucky it's got good tunes, really.

Wish I had heard some interesting gossip this week but instead I listened to a neighbour complain about some administrative issues with her parking space. For 90 minutes. This was at a residents' meeting to which only she and I and the host turned up - and complaining lady got there an hour early but didn't go back to her flat (next door!) to wait, so the host had presumably already had an hour of car park moaning before I arrived... Some foreskin face cream/sexy tennis coach chat could really have livened things up.

Anonymous said...

No, Becky, I really did think something was supposed to be happening and I just couldn't follow it. The naïve, stumbling part of my Naïve Girl, Stumbling with Katana act is really real. Even people who have known me for 25 years can't tell the difference; moreso as we wear on in this life. They have to check & see if they are bleeding to know for sure. So now I'm excited abt seeing it, thankfully. xx

Suburban Princess said...

A woman my husband works with is soooo obviously butch. Hard core. I met her husband and he is very, very obviously gay. It's always weird being around them.

Kelly said...

What is a grape salad?

Kelly said...

Ok, just saw it in your comments ;) Yum!!

Common Household Mom said...

I was expecting a post about luggage. Not that I'm disappointed.

I would not be able to use that lotion. The rest of the family is Jewish. It just WOULDN'T be right.

Becky said...

Wow, Common! You are a face cream away from a Philip Roth novel. LOL!

Jen said...

Can I just say ew? I've heard of all sorts of regimens, but that takes the cake..or, whatever!

gretchen said...

OMG! I never say OMG, so this must be something.

1. How did I miss this post in the past? I'm so out of the loop.
2. I must now email Elizabeth immediately, because that Catholic school she's talking about is MY Catholic school, and I know exactly what fundraiser she's talking about and have my suspicions, but am DYING to hear this GOSSIP!
3. The most important thing of all...can you buy this foreskin cream from India through the internet for cheap?