Sunday, November 16, 2008

3 Reasons The Internet Needs To Be Over Now

1) Yesterday, someone came to this blog by Googling "hot pregnant women doing yardwork." I told those search terms to Matt, and he got this look of delight on his face. I think because he thought it was funny. Or maybe because those words do in fact conjure up a delightful mental picture. I don't know if there is p*rn out there for that particular predilection, but a glance at the first search results page would seem to indicate that there is not. So Mr. Dude (?) in Lewisburg, Ohio, I hope you eventually found what you were looking for, and I'm sorry I could not be of more help, but now I know what the next name of this blog will be.

2) That couple that got married in the online game Second Life is now divorced, because of an adulterous liaison that OCCURRED IN SECOND LIFE. Story is in the link, but the short version is: couple met in an internet chat room, married in real life and in a ginormous Second Life ceremony in 2005, wife grew suspicious, hired an online private detective (a what?) to snoop on husband's activities, wife sees husband's avatar having sex with a prostitute avatar, and they are getting divorced. Now the woman has taken up with someone she met in World of Warcraft. Good grief, Charlie Brown! Now, I know lots of women do consider it cheating if their husbands look at naughty pics online, like maybe those hotter-than-hot pictures of pregnant chicks pulling weeds and raking. I know this because Oprah says many women consider it cheating--I don't actually know any women who think that. But divorcing over that one incident of. . . whatever that was with the pixels and the avatars. . .is that kind of extreme? I don't know, but the whole thing gives me a pain in my head. I think these people are weirder than the pregnant yardwork porn people.

3) The insanely-detailed Dora the Explorer Wikipedia page. Here's how I came upon this. You see, I was pondering the question of whether the geography of Dora the Explorer is internally consistent. Like, if you collated all the maps from each episode, would you have a coherent and consistent map of Dora Land? For example, in the Boots's birthday party episode, they have to get to the party at Dora's house by going over the Troll Bridge. And, in the flap-book Super Silly Fiesta, the Big Red Chicken's party is also over the Troll Bridge, but it must be in the other direction, because they're starting in Dora's house. The Chicken's party is in a nondescript meadow, which I guess could also be the starting location for the Boots's birthday party journey. So they could be making the same trip in reverse. Except in Boots's birthday party journey they don't have to go past the Mixed Up Farm, like they do in the book.

Or is it unfair to compare the geograpies of the book and the TV show? I mean, the creators of "Lost" manage to keep the island geography consistent across TV and web features, but maybe that's a lot to ask of Nick Jr? Also, Dora's cousin Diego appears from time to time in Dora's world, with all it's weird, lollipop jungle topography, but on his own show, he doesn't have to deal with any of that whimsy crap. He just ziplines around saving animals. I wonder if Dora is actually crazy? And what Dora experiences as the Sneezing Snake Lake is just a little puddle to Diego? With no sneezing snakes?

So in pondering this, I did a quick search to find out if anyone has reproduced images from all the maps in the shows. And I found the Dora wikipedia entry, which is obviously not written by the PR people who produce the show, but by an amateur enthusiast or enthusiasts. It goes on and on and has way, way, a lot of information. So this is not really a reason the internet needs to be over, but more of a "Wow, that internet is really. . .something." I am thinking that the adult who authored that Dora page needs to spend more time looking at yardwork fetish pics. I hear that stuff is huge.

I am sure there are about 97 other reasons I'm forgetting, so feel free to add yours. Also, it's List Lovin' Monday at ABDPBT. Check into it, sister.



Carrie said...

I have hereby given Epu permission to have sex with as many prositute avatars as he likes. He wasn't exactly all "hot diggety" at this blanket permission, though.

Amy said...

You are so funny. All those 3 things freak me out in different ways! I have to admit, I would be mo' pissed if I caught my hubby with another woman--virtual or otherwise. But I don't think I'd run to World of Warcraft for consolation. That's really what makes that story so hilarious--but in a pathetic way.

As for Dora...dude. Never, ever thought about that! In fact, I try to be in the other room when Dora is on. Her CONSTANT SCREAMING really gets to me. Like, shut up already, D!

Camp Papa said...

Dora would like for me to say that she completely rejects you imperialistic imposition of the Cartesian plane onto her mystical Mayan geography. It is an oh-so-Western idea that each location can be only one place! Free you mind!

Sara said...

You realize you know way too much about Dora, right? (I know too much about Spongebob and Family Guy.)

My husband has a fascination with the Craigslist 'personals.' He's just dying to catch someone on there that he actually knows.
But he also loves to watch shows with worlds most obese people.

I'm not really threatened by either.

Maybe they meant that the pregnant chicks were hot because it was sunny outside? ha!

Keely said...

I'm just wondering how that google search brought them HERE.

Jenni said...

All that stuff about Dora made me dizzy.

Cassie said...

Word to your Dad! Ha!

If the internet ended I would be oh, so sad to miss out on hilarity such as this.

jen said...

my 4 (and a half) year old just realized that dora doesn't really listen to her when she answers her questions. she got a wee bit pissed off and now she tries to confuse dora.
it's weird.

Becky said...

Jen, I think the desire to mess with Dora is a sign of a genius child.

And Dad, did the Mayans have substances they consumed that made them hallucinate? 'Cause that's what Dora is on.

And I don't know how those search terms brought anyone here. I started looking through the results, to see where this website was, and it must have been really far back there. Dude was determined.

And Carrie, I cracked up at your comment, because Matt said the graphics in Second Life are too crappy for pixel sex in there to count as infidelity. That's his professional opinion as a graphics programmer, I think, and not an ethical judgment. Maybe. But yeah, as long as he doesn't bring home a nasty computer virus.

Camp Papa said...

I'm sure there were traditional herbs that they used in their spiritual practices, but the cutting edge stuff involved licking the secreted toxins from certain toad and frogs. Are there any friendly amphibians on Dora?

Ginny Marie said...

I think the Fiesta Trio on Dora has at least one friendly amphibian. Hmmm, I never analyzed Dora before I read this post!

Becky said...

Ohmigosh, you're right. I was thinking there was only Isa the Iguana, but that little musical combo is all frogs and lizards. It is ALL falling into place now.