Friday, February 3, 2012

I Am Like A Golden Buddha

So, when we left off with our party report, I had consumed two point five glasses of red wine and been introduced to a world of New Sensations. I had also had my ears assaulted by unbelievable amounts of lady-hollering. It was like a nine year-old girl's slumber party. And, yes, just like a slumber party, many people were in their PJ's and there was gossip.

Oh! And I forgot to tell you! Remember the post about the email from the crazy book club lady whose son-in-law was terrorizing the neighborhood? Well, her daughter was at this party. I had finally met the crazy-ish mother at book club and was most interested to see her daughter. Now I just need the son-in-law to complete the set. Anyway, Pretty Neighbor knows her, and I was like, "Get her over here and let's ask her what the heck went on that time." But there was not enough wine to make that happen.

Anyhoo, the Passion Hostess finished her presentation and PN and I decided to take our afterglow upstairs and get in line for the tanning. This was one of those houses where the layout is really nice, but in the interest of creating a roomy feeling, the builder just has these weird spaces here and there that you don't know exactly what to do with. You know what I mean? Like, their second floor landing had swollen into a sitting area with a huge couch, coffee table and chairs, and a secretary. I don't know if anyone in the family ever uses this area. Its best use might be for waiting one's turn to be spray tanned in the master bedroom.

So some shiny giggling women leave the bedroom and PN and I get to go in. We had grabbed the sweats we brought out of our huge purses. The tanning lady was a petite blonde with a very friendly vibe and rubber gloves. We introduced ourselves and discussed how she lives in a subdivision up the road, the one that famously has indoor tennis courts. Truly the woman who has everything.

I said, "So should we just strip?" She was like, "basically, yeah." She said we could take off as much or as little as we wanted, she had those paper thongs for us to wear if we wanted.

But I had been prepared and had worn my own thong. Sidebar: as I was getting ready, Matt was like, "You own thong underwear?" Like, why wasn't I informed of this? I said, "Yes, sure, I just never wear them because it's like having something in your hiney crack." He said, "And not in a good way?" Correct. So, the skimpiest thong I have, and the one I thought the best for spray tanning, is the actual pair of thong underwear I wore to my senior year of college Homecoming Dance. I am not kidding, I still have them. There is so much...I just can't even talk about it. I will say that the dance was held at the National Building Museum, which is pretty! End of sidebar!

So I said I'd tan first and carefully separated myself from my new fancy jeans. Then I took off my shirt and said to the girl, "Now, warning, I had a mastectomy and I have a scar. Don't be startled." She didn't actually yawn, but she was like, "Yep, I've seen all the kinds of naked there are." So, okay. I just felt that wearing a bra to be spray tanned was too fussy.

Then she put this barrier cream all over my palms so the tanning solution wouldn't adhere to them. (The side of my thumbs still wound up a rich mahogany.) Then she directed me into this little teepee looking thing that she had brought and had set up in the bedroom so the tan stuff wouldn't go everywhere. It was open at the top and on one side. She told me how to stand and then started spraying. It was like standing in a cold pineapple-scented mist. Not unpleasant. It took a few minutes, I guess, and then I went and stood in front of a big fan to dry off.

PN entered the tanning zone and here things slowed waaay down. I don't know if it was the wine or the nakedness or what but we all got very chatty. No one more chatty than the tanning lady. She had a lot to say about her search for a church home and all manner of other subjects. Which meant, for PN, that the girl would turn off the tanning solution and just be spraying her with cold air while she talked. It was hilarious! Hilarious to me, anyway, because by then I was leaning against a doorway and eventually I was dressed. I mean, I don't know, I think her tan took five times as long as mine? Chatty chat CHAT chat!

I ventured deeper into the bathroom complex to find the toilet. Here again, just massive amounts of space everywhere. It made my own bathroom, which we call the Golden Palace, look like the in-room lavatory at a Super 8. First I had to journey through a closet, fully expecting Narnia to be on the other end, and then a vanity area with mirrors on either side for a nice mise-en-abyme effect, and then finally to the pee pee pagoda. And there was music booming out everywhere from speakers in the walls and exciting lighting. I barely found my way out.

Then PN and I each gave the tanning girl $20 and we parted fast friends. When we stumbled back downstairs, dewy and fruit-smelling, the place had basically cleared out. We had been gone almost an hour, maybe we really were in Narnia. We ate some cheese dip and planned out how to pry T away from some drunk, intent girl who was explaining to her how the 1% need to be taxed at a lower rate because they are job creators. I decided that shrill, out of control laughter that would split the very ceiling was not the best tactic for pulling her away. Finally I just put my hand on her shoulder and said, "I'm sorry. Let's go." And later T was like, "OMG I kept glancing at you to get you to save me!" And I was like, "Not even."

So omg I have had so much fun typing this! Obviously. Then we all went home and when I walked into my house, still in the middle of our child-free weekend, Matt was all like, "Weeelllll, how was it?" And I said, "Sorry fella, stay over there, I'm tanning!" Also I smelled like pineapple-y dog pee.

The girl had told us that the tan would activate over the next twelve hours. And lo, it did. When I got up in the morning (after sleeping on a dark sheet that wouldn't show stains), I looked at myself in the mirror and went AAAAHHHH! I had last night's mascara on AND was seriously tan. I looked like a raccoon on vacation in Aruba. After I got the makeup off, it was a little less alarming.

So given that I didn't have any special plans and had just tanned for the hell of it, I rocked that savage tan to the preschool Storybook Stroll, several swim practices, karate classes, and a casual evening with friends and takeout food. Yesterday, at the playground, I saw the mom of a buddy of Hank's. She goes, "Wait, are you tan?" Like, what in the world?

But it looks good! I tried half heartedly to photograph it and you just can't tell. Picture me as I am, only a few shades darker. I would totally do it again, though I might have her do my face more lightly. She said that if you can get six girls together, she'll come do a house party, so I might do one closer to summer.

Oh, the big tanning revelation is the buns! Tanned buns! I have never seen my buns so tan and it really works. I see now why body builders/pageant queens do it. That area is a nice toasty brown and the thong lines are cute.

Now you really do know everything about me.

Thank you for letting me overshare. I hope that you have found some enjoyment from this relation. Wishing you toasty buns.

15 comments:

Lisa Lilienthal said...

I love a faux tan and I love the idea of your toasty bun. Thanks for a great laugh out loud post!

mommyanderson said...

Fascinating story! Both were, actually. But we really, really need a picture of your tanned self as the proverbial cherry on top :)

Kelly said...

I am in for a tanning party! My pasty white buns want to give it a try ;)

gretchen said...

Dang, I wish I lived near you to come to your tanning party! I have always wanted one of those and have never done it. Maybe I'll go for it to get myself all prettied up for summer. I bet Matt was loving your toasty buns too!

Cassi Renee said...

Oh my goodness I love your description of the bathroom. Great stuff. Did you get to wear a swimsuit or at least a tank top at the swim meet to show off your tan? Those pool areas are usually pretty warm . . .

Aimee said...

Okay, the tanning party sounds kinda fun, in a kooky, do-it-once-just-to-see-what-it's-like kinda way.

Kate said...

OMG, being spray tanned at a party, in someone's giant bathroom, while the spray tan girl talks about trying to find a home church. This is why I want to move back South!

Michele said...

My favorite line, "The tanning lady was a petite blonde with a very friendly vibe and rubber gloves." I wish I could share the image in my head when I read that line.

AlGalMom said...

The last two posts have been so much fun to read. The spray tan reminded me of these goofy books I've been reading (The Liturgical Mysteries by Mark Schweizer) in which one character--Noylene Something-or-other--owns and operates "Noylene's Beautifery and Dip & Tan" She has a setup (that she invented) where her customers are lowered into a vat of tanning solution. I believe Noylene does special "family nights" where you and up to four family members can tan together (simultaneously). You know what they say about the family that tans together... (A little plug for these books--if you have spent any time in a liturgical congregation, and ESPECIALLY if you have been part of the choir or staff in said congregation, you will find these books hilarious.)

puncturedbicycle said...

I love having a little window into the tanning party. You are hysterically funny as always.

Becky said...

I wish we could all have a tanning party together. It would be a HOOTENANNY.

AlGal those books sound hilarious. I have spent some time in a church choir!

Kate said...

I am confused on so many levels! It sounds like the hostess lives in Versailles. I am sure she doesn't need the extra $ she may or may not have raised from her party. Isn't this why people do these things like trunk shows, Pampered Chef and Stella and Dot? And the appeal of a spray tan? Gross! My sister had one at Christmas and I noticed she soiled all the white towels!!

Kate said...

I am confused on so many levels! It sounds like the hostess lives in Versailles. I am sure she doesn't need the extra $ she may or may not have raised from her party. Isn't this why people do these things like trunk shows, Pampered Chef and Stella and Dot? And the appeal of a spray tan? Gross! My sister had one at Christmas and I noticed she soiled all the white towels!!

Kate said...

sorry about the redundancy above

Nina said...
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