Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Shee-nanigans: That Party Report

I don't know what was weirder: how vanilla this "passion party" was; or how weird the world would be had it NOT been so vanilla. If you follow.

Exhibit A: The thing I'm holding in this picture. It's a feather tickler on one end and the world's tiniest, most adorable riding crop on the other. It's like a sex toy for an American Girl doll. (Probably that new Marie-Grace, amiright?) I smacked my tennis friend over and over again as hard as I could--you know, like you do--and I don't think she even felt it.

(Exhibit B, an unrelated exhibit: Those are my new fancy jeans. Matt took me out on Saturday afternoon and I tried on a zillion pairs of incredibly tight jeans for my now-skinnier bohiney. It was the world's most awesome date, y'all. My kind of romance. The bad phone picture makes the color/fade on them look really extreme, but it's not. Where was I? This might be another post. Definitely.)

I'm getting ahead of my story. Pretty Neighbor and her hubs played a quick set of tennis with Matt and me Saturday night before the party. She and I were into going to meet and greet--it was just around the corner--but we weren't sure we were up for the spray tan. Logistically, getting a full-body spray tan in the middle of this event was seeming like a hassle to me. The invitation suggested wearing dark, loose clothing so the tan solution wouldn't stain them, and even said, "Just come in your bathrobe!" Both PN and I were like, ah, no thanks. I was all, "I don't want to go to a party in my pajamas, I want to go in these new jeans I just got that I can only stand up in!" So we decided we might bring sweats to change into post-tan, because I was curious about the tanning, having never had one.

Honestly, Reader, it was knowing that I needed to get the full experience to report to you that spurred me on. You make me want to be a better (wo)man.

So PN and I calculated that the proper arrival time was 30 minutes after the start time given on the invite, and we sidled over and picked up our tennis friend T. Now, T had told me that she wouldn't be tanning because she wasn't into the nakedness required, but then she comes out of her house in actual jammies and slippers, saying "I hope I'm not the only one in pajamas!"

Well, T needn't have worried. We were greeted at the door of a beautiful house by our hostess, who was clad in--and I would never kid you about this--fleece, leopard-print footie pajamas that zipped from her crotch to her neck. As she welcomed us inside, we said, "Have you already tanned?" and she pulled us under a brighter light and then unzipped her jammies. Unzipped them rather a lot. We admired her golden-brown boob, and then I was like, "Oh goodness, shall I just leave my purse right here?" and "I'll just find a place to put this wine."

It was a very Just Us Gals moment and it set the tone perfectly for what was to come.

Then we joined the party and PN caught a glimpse of the sex toy presenter lady, who had a little table and a giant pink suitcase full of her wares, and was like, "Oh, I know her." She was super nice, Columbian, outgoing, and plays A2 level tennis. So we chatted with her and took in the scene. Lots of nice food and probably forty girls there, many of them in their pajamas.

Pretty Neighbor and a Giant Bundt Candle

It was certainly raucous. At one point, prompted by what I don't know, our leopard-footied hostess raised her voice and proclaimed, a little heatedly, to everyone, "I don't have a dildo, I don't need a dildo, I don't want a dildo, I am a GOOD CATHOLIC GIRL." PN and I risked neck injury by whipping around to look at each other. It was a rich instant of human life. If I didn't have a blog, one would have sprung fully-formed into existence right then, willed by the exigencies of the moment. I'll just note that it seemed rather like protesting too much.

Eventually we all perched on the furniture in the living room for the "passion party" portion. This was where, EVEN HERE, my congenital need to be the good student surfaced. The presenter lady was having a hard time being heard over the outbreaks of laughter and general rowdiness. As you might imagine. So I wanted to show my best respectful listening, and I even had the Hermione Granger impulse to be like, "SHHHH! You guys! She's talking about PHEREMONES! This is IMPORTANT!" I didn't though.

But it led to the presenter having to raise her voice and basically scream, "LADIES, GOD HAS BLESSED US WITH A CLITORIS!" Those were her exact words. And all the people said amen. She said it several times for different products.

From the catalog
So, the products. This was really interesting to me, to see how this was all presented. The catalog starts (and her spiel started) firmly in the familiar discursive space of self-pampering. Ladies, ya gotta take care of yourselves and find pleasure in everyday activities like bathing, grooming, etc. Body lotions, oils, and sprays with names like Entice and Glow can ease the drudgery of living. Everything is an "experience" or a "transformative escape" that will make you feel "deliciously irresistible." This should tell you what it was like, this first part: there was a pack of 100 silk rose petals for you to strew on your sheets (and clean up after, I suppose). They came with four tealight candles and "an invitation for your lover." T bought them.

Every product was lickable or edible. She went around and squirted some kind of goo on everyone's fingers and was like, "Try it!" I was like, "Uh no way am I EATING that stuff that just came out of that tube." I mean, I am game for just about whatever, but please.

It all smelled pretty good. Mangosteen is an important fragrance in this world.

Okay, so there were these various unguents, then some lube, which seemed pretty good, then more products that make your skin tingle in various ways and locations. One of them is called Nympho Niagra. Believe.

Then we broke for more wine before she brought out the big guns.

First we looked at these little chapbooks. Tickle His Pickle and Tickle Your Fancy. The pickle one promised, improbably, 50 ways to tickle that pickle. (Cue Paul Simon? "Ya just blow some air, Claire.")

I apologize. For this whole post. If you have better gags please share. I am truly over my head here.

The Tickle Your Fancy book was For Us, and contained hints for "self-pleasure and "awareness." LADIES, GOD HAS BLESSED US...

So Pretty Neighbor had the most concise critique of the night, I thought, when she observed, "Hey, in the pickle book it's all pictures of the woman pleasing the man, and in the girl's book it's all pictures of her by herself. Doesn't anyone wanna help her tickle her fancy?" Yes, truly. That was the overall tone of much of what was presented: spicing up your sex life is a DIY project, ladies.

Okay, I got to hand it to the copywriters of this catalog, and to whomever trains the sales presenters, they get through the whole shebang and never, never say any ugly words. They are at particular pains to avoid "blowjob." The preferred term is "oral favor." Which I actually found kind of sweet. I don't know. I was into my third glass of wine by that point.

One of the little vibrators plugs into a USB. And one looked like a lipstick. Everything comes with cute drawstring sacks so the cleaning lady doesn't have to see it. One had a suction cup base, and she stuck it to the mantle. I took a picture but I don't want that picture looking at me on the front page of my blog for days and days.

I also took a picture of Pretty Neighbor holding a really complicated dildo in each hand, but she hissed, "Don't you dare put that on your blog!"

Presented without comment and I will not answer questions, Mom.

So I said this whole thing was vanilla, but you know, by the end, if you flip to the back pages of the catalog, the train takes you straight to Funkytown. The product range passes through every kind of dildo--all the Sex and the City girls ones--and gets right into what most people would think of as kinky.

Before it gets there, though, it passes through silly. When I was telling Matt about the whole night, I got as far as, "There's a c**k ring that looks like a Goodyear tire," and he burst into a giggle of pure joy. Like a child on Christmas morning.

And as unlikely as it seems, that product is reversible? There is also pink duct tape.

Then, at length, properly prepared and educated in the worlds of exploration and escape, we arrive at the section entitled, "A New Sensation!" You get me. (I don't want those searchable terms on my blog forever and ever.) And here I must say, Mom and Dad, that I had no idea what it was talking about and I flipped through a copy of Readers Digest Condensed Books instead. I mean, I knew what all the words meant but not when put together in that way!

Okay, I'm lying on the fainting couch now.

Now I'm back.

And Lord, the hooting and hollering at every moment of this.

This post is already way, way WAY too long and I haven't even gotten to the tanning! Which was seriously a whole separate experience. Tomorrow! There is no way you have read this far!

Wishing you pleasure and awareness.


Ginger said...

I am just about HOWLING with laughter over here. I've been to one of those parties, and this just is so spot on, so hysterical.

I'm dying to know about the tanning now...

Emily said...

Imma go have some wine and chocolate pretzels now.

Amy said...

Heheh. She said "congenital".

Wow! So many questions! I can't even- I just-
My heart is full, this post delivered on all its promises. Golden Girl? "He'll thank you for being a friend"? Does one really want to picture Estelle Getty and Rue McClanahan at such moments?

LADIES, GOD HAS BLESSED US with this post. I have to go do some thinking and re-reading now.

Beth said...

This is pure gold. Pure dildo gold.

Bren said...

I'll go back and read the post later - but I need to say that I noticed the beautiful skinny jeans right away - you look fantastic!

Life on The Rowland Ranch said...

Those jeans! I NEED those jeans! (after I lose about 20 pounds) So dang cute! (and that's all I have to say about this post...I'm still flushed and I read it like five hours ago) :) hahahaha.

Common Household Mom said...

I should not have read this during the morning hours.

Christian said...

We had a special bedtime out loud reading of this entry! Much ROTBLMAO accordingly ensued. And "A New Sensation" is such a delicate, charming, tentative, and timid euphemism; it charms me just to say it.

Anonymous said...

I think the most shocking thing in this post is that hollow-core door behind yr Pretty Neighbor. Ow, my eyes.

puncturedbicycle said...

Let me just say that you look younger and more beautiful in each photo.

Hysterical post.

Am I the only one who suspects that the stuff that's supposed to tingle would actually, you know, burn?

Becky said...

Bicycle, thank you for those sweet words!

And yeah, the tingling products are all mint based. I don't know. I think burning might be one outcome. The level above Nympho Niagra is called X-Scream. No thanks?

All of you, thank you for being a friend.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. You know, sometimes I just want to carry you around with me. And when I think of things like this, how often do I want to simultaneously think of the Golden Girls? None. None often.

Becky said...

So Jamie, not often at all? Not even sometimes?

Veronica said...

OMG, you have killed me dead.

David said...

I'm gonna start using some of these phrases literally. Like, "Hey, do me an oral favor? Let Becky know I'm running a few minutes late, but I'm on my way. Please have a martini waiting for me when I get there; I could really use a transformative escape from all this traffic."

Keely said...

Okay, I've been to one of these parties, but I must have blocked it out or not observed it nearly as keenly as you did.

THANK YOU for being a friend.

KristerT said...

That last photo explains a lot about St. Olaf, Minnesota.

Becky said...

LOL, it really does.

Keely, no, thank YOU for being a friend.

Becky said...

David, I like this plan. Really asking anyone to say or tell anything is requesting an oral favor. Or like, "Here, taste this soup to see if it needs more salt." Bam, oral favor.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the funniest moment of my week. Can't wait for the tanning report!

Lisa Lilienthal said...

I was so distracted by your pretty hair and smokin hot jeans that I got like three paragraphs in before I realized I was reading about a 'pleasure party.' And then I got really distracted by the fact that we got to SEE Pretty Neighbor, who is in fact, very pretty. And by the end I just want to live in your neighborhood, so send me a note when any real estate around there becomes available, ok?

etheljr said...

Oh my. This spirited rendition of your evening in the 'hood sent me straight to Wikipedia to explore further. Hilarious, and you are my favorite blogger. Nice jeans!

Allison said...

Great jeans! Your hair looks fabulous. Funniest post ever.

Kate said...

Thank you for the best 10 reading minutes in a long, long time. Loved the pictures (agreed, you look awesome in your new skinny jeans) and the mental images. I'm glad I am not on these party invitation lists though!

Jenni said...

You are so skinny and gorgeous in those jeans and your hair looks great.

And I also giggled out loud at the the Goodyear c**k ring. That's just so silly I almost want to buy one.

Becky said...

Thanks Jenni! And I'm sure those Goodyear items make great stocking, um, stuffers for all the men in your life.

Ethel, I am almost afraid to ask what you were looking up on Wikipedia!


Aviva said...

How come I never get invited to parties like these? Although I used to know a woman who sold similar stuff through parties ...

My 7-year-old just asked me what I was laughing so hard over, but luckily I was laughing to hard to explain. :)

Aviva said...

Aack! That should have been "I was laughing TOO hard to explain." Honest, I really do know the difference between too, to, and two. If only Blogger would let me edit the previous comment!

gretchen said...

But did you BUY anything?! The last time I went to one of these things, I was forced to (well okay, intimidated into) purchase something called a "Purple Panda" that Jimmy is supposed to wear and it does some vibrating. Interesting. They also gave away as party favors these little disposable, one-time use vibrators. Cute! I stuck the thing in my purse, and about two months later, it was pulled out and questioned while going through security at the airport. I kid you not. Can't wait to go read about tanning that hot new bod you have...

Elizabeth said...

Rocking with laughter over here -- you are so awesome. One of my favorite lines: "If I didn't have a blog, one would have sprung fully-formed into existence right then, willed by the exigencies of the moment." You are the Jane Austen of pleasure parties -- truly.