Saturday, January 21, 2012

I Say Yes To A Bunch of That!

I spend a fair amount of time fending off invitations to things in my neighborhood that are called parties but don't really sound like parties to me. You know, like buy-this-fancy-ice-cream-scooper-that-you-can't-put-in-the-dishwasher parties, pay-money-to-try-this-bad-make-up parties, and then there's bunco. Lordy, the bunco.

This morning, though, I got an email from my gravelly-voiced tennis friend inviting me to a dildo party. It is not strictly called a dildo party, it has some name like Celestial Throbbings or similar. I'm being for serious, the name is something like that. This is a first for this neighborhood, as far as I know. Most (okay all) of my friends, whatever their private proclivities, are too genteel or reticent to host such a thing. But this is the bunco crowd and they are a little harder-partying. Like, some of them smoke cigarettes. Which is basically not done in this sphere anymore, ever.  

So I was all, "Dildo party, that's funny," and then I got to the best part. It's not only a dildo party, it's a spray tan party! The invite promises:
I have a woman coming to the house and she will set up in my master bedroom and one by one we will go upstairs and get gorgeous spray tans. It's only twenty dollars and trust me she won't miss a spot. 
I don't want to quote the invitation at greater length, but I do want to convey to you that the whole communication, everything about it--diction, font choice and size, grammar and punctuation, everything--just exudes a past-its-prime good timey-ness that is a real breath of beery air. The hostess closes the invitation by saying, "The men would kill to be a fly on the wall at this party--LMFAO!" Then there really needed to be a belch emoticon, if one existed.

When I read this, I hollered "YEEEEEESSSSS!" My neighbors perusing sex toys and going upstairs "one by one" to be thoroughly spray tanned? No way will I miss the chance to go to this event so I can describe the scene for you. No way. I take my commitment to you guys too seriously for that, you can be sure, so relax. I'm on it. 

So that's happening. And Matt and I have mixed doubles match tomorrow if it doesn't rain. Here it is after nine and my kids are still running free through the house. I'm going to go S that D. xoxo-B

23 comments:

Marsha said...

While I have been to dildopaloozas before, never have I encountered one that included the opportunity for tanning. This, I feel, is a regrettable gap in my education. Must rectify soonest.

Aimee said...

Oh goody, I can't wait to hear about it! I've been to a couple of the sex toy parties. Depending on the amount of alcohol served, they can be hilarious. But add in spray tans? GOOD Lord. That should be...wondrous.

BTW, I've ruined two Pampered Chef ice cream scoops by putting them in the dishwasher. I don't seem to learn.

Becky said...

I am so flippin' over the Pampered Chef ice cream scoop, I just can't even begin. The people who live here, they would load a Faberge egg into the dishwasher. Does not work for My Lifestyle.

delaine said...

Oh my. Whatever happened to the Tupperware parties of yore? They were very civilized, had nice refreshments, and the Tupperware was great stuff! I confess I can't wrap my mind around the type of party you just described. I will , of course, expect a full account of the festivities. And by the way, good luck tomorrow at your match. We will see you Monday.

Camp Papa said...

Tupperware should totally make a dildo. Just fill with warm water and snap on the no-leak lid, with the handy finger loop.

Allison said...

Camp Papa is too funny. I love that.

Judy said...

I was already laughing hysterically and then I read your dad's comment. His mind is ever fertile...and I can't wait to read about this party.

Emily said...

I'm going to sit here and stare at your blog until your post about this neighborhood dildo party. I am cracking up like you would not believe.

Becky said...

A tupperware dildo is not even the weirdest invention idea that Dad has ever had.

gretchen said...

I had such a clever comment to leave here, but now all I can think of is all the many things one could keep inside ones Tupperware dildo.

I'm afraid I was coerced into attending one of these "pleasure parties" a while back. Very uncomfortable. Many of the women just sat there all embarrassed and giggled. But I'm afraid that situations like that make me make me go overboard the other direction and I start behaving like Samantha from Sex in the City. It's not a pretty thing.

Please take pics of the spray tan.

Elizabeth said...

I was once at a healthcare conference in Orlando at a HUGE hotel, and there were two conferences going on simultaneously. The first was the MOTHER of sex toy party planners, etc. -- and those ladies were raucous. The other was PLUSHIES (I won't go into it, but you can look it up if you don't know what this is) -- most awesome work trip of my life.

Amy said...

Wow. This will be EPIC.

Dad, you have scarred me for life. On the bright side, whenever anyone googles "Tupperware dildo" from now on, they will surely be brought here. Winning!

Dancer said...

OMG. I laughed til I cried. Thankyou for making my day. Can't wait to read the sequel!

Jenni said...

LMFAO indeed.

Veronica said...

OMG, I thought your post was funny until I read Camp Papa's comment!!

Beth said...

There is really nothing left to be said. I will save my comment for the epic post that is certain to come. I hope this party is happening soon!

abruptdeparture said...

I'll have to start up this quaint American tradition in Seoul! Google translate is not the authority, but it gives "dildo party" as:

딜도파티

Essentially, "dildo pati." Does it tell us something about Korean culture that they had to import the words for "dildo" and "party" from English?

Suburban Princess said...

Hm someone keeps asking me to host one of these passion parties...I didn't realize a spray tan might come with it!

KathyS said...

Am I really the only one who has to ask what "bunco" is? Or am I simply left with that question because all of the good comments have already been left ... ?

Kate said...

WHAT??? I only get invited to Stella & Dot parties! We must be prudes around here.

Kate said...

WHAT??? I only get invited to Stella & Dot parties! We must be prudes around here.

Michele R said...

ewww, I can't stand that name: dildo. I much prefer celestial throbbings. I can't wait to hear about this!

Elle said...

I can not unread what yr pop write, sadly.

By me, it's all gold-selling and Botox injections. Ladies here don't need dildoes, they already have husbands they don't want to eff.