Sunday, December 27, 2009

Pardon Me While I Blind Myself

This picture doesn't do the situation the terrible justice it deserves, but I saw this fine fellow in a Cracker Barrel today. I know, Cracker Barrel. I came home and told Matt and he said, "Well what did you think you would see there?" Here he is again.

A bunch of us stopped in for lunch at a Cracker Barrel near a big outdoor mall in Alabama. I know: Outdoor mall + Cracker Barrel + South Alabama = We really deserved whatever came our way. I say that in love, South Alabama. When this gent swaggered in--and he did swagger, he thought he looked good, baby--I threaded my way all through the crowd, with quiet but excited purpose, to alert every member of my family to this sight in our midst. When my dad spied him coming out of the bathroom, he turned to me and said, "Telling me about that was an an act of hostility." Then Amy said, "Take his picture. Why did God create iPhones?" So I oh so casually followed the dude and his wife around the store, trying to get the shot. He was wily, though. Like Bigfoot. All I could get were blurry scraps of tantalizing half-evidence.

So that happened. I think he was about 60 years old. And not the guy you expect to be flaunting his bod. You have to understand that there was nothing underneath that shirt, and it was unbuttoned down to the top of his tummy, which protruded gently like a little shelf. Also he was totally hairless. My dad remembered him as slightly sweaty also. The really striking thing was his whole attitude. He was truly the cock of the walk. Like, "Hey LADIES, I'm over here by the saltwater taffy! Better hurry 'cause I can't stay all day."

Oh, and as my dad pointed out, he definitely knew his shirt was unbuttoned, 'cause he went into the bathroom while he was there and came out still rocking this look.

Reader, I guess I'm just. . .confused. And I'm wondering, why? Just a lot of unpleasant emotions.

Also, if I hadn't already had a blog, I would have started one this day.

This is my day-after-the-day-after-Christmas card for y'all, my dears.

23 comments:

Maggie said...

Well, I certainly hope you gave him my phone number. He is a total HOTTIE

Mad Woman said...

Oh. Um. Wow. BLINDED!!!!

Thank you :-)

Sara said...

Dude, I wondered if that was my ex-step-grandfather (ya!) or my father-in-law.
Both total gigalos. For real, they got all kinds of tail. The Not Your Wife Kind.
So know it's not just in Alabamie!

But what are they thinking? What are they thinking?

Erika said...

It looks like they are shopping for shirts . . . Alanis Morrisette might call this ironic.

Also, there are shirts in cracker barrel?

Camp Papa said...

Not to put too fine a point on it, but the hostile act was causing my eyes to behold it, not the reaction itself. My first instinct was that he was simply inattentive to his dress and appearance, but two facts weigh against that: he was unbuttoned going into and coming out of the men's room (and passing all those mirrors), and the other is that he was with a woman who would surely have pointed out a simple wardrobe failure.

Beth said...

I second Erika's Cracker Barrel inquiry. Also: He had a WIFE?

The Dental Maven said...

Wow. Dudes just brimming with confidence. Bet he's just the living end at the assisted living home. (no pun intended)

Michele R said...

How funny! And it's not like it was hot in the South, I mean it had to be around 40 degrees tops, right?

Ginny Marie said...

I'm amazed that his wife didn't tell him to button up his shirt! Maybe he leaves it unbuttoned for her???

Ewwwww, I can't believe I just typed that!

Sjn said...

there's just no accounting for taste, that's why they have the "Glamour don't" page in your favorite magazine.
Believe me, I spot "glamour don'ts" all over town... Duluth, Alpharetta, Suwanee and Cumming, right here in the big city of Atlanta!
hey... my veri word is: spoti

Laura C said...

Maybe that woman isn't his wife? :)

Melanie said...

haha!! Did you visit the CB on purpose because you just KNEW it would give you good blog material? That is too funny.

gretchen said...

You know...he probably would have let you just take his picture if you asked. "Sure thing, little lady..."

We see the East Coast version of this dude when we visit Jimmy's family in New York. Only he always has a couple of gold chains added to the ensemble (pronounced the French way) and is NEVER hairless.

Kate said...

perhaps he just lost 200 lbs. and is showing off his figure?

Meghan said...

Sweet fancy Moses! That is patently ridiculous. Really.

My boss is British, and though he doesn't ever unbutton his shirt to reveal his chest, I have often wondered if the English know about undershirts (since you can often see his chest hair through his thin dress shirts). If not, that is a form of cultural imperialism that I'd like to endorse!

Mental Momma said...

The real question is was this before or after your meal, and did you still order the chicken fried steak?

Amy said...

I'm with Gretchen, and think you could have just asked to take his picture. Thinkin' that pose would have been memorable.

Has everyone already seen this? I think Camp Papa especially should visit:

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

And then you need to start a "peopleofcrackerbarrel" site.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

(To the tune "to God be the Glory")

". . . And deliverance from speedos. For thine is the bald dome and the belt buckle and the Stuckey's . . . forever and ever. Ah men."

Coffee with Cathy said...

Why, Becky? Because we kicked him out of north Alabama and he found his way down to you. Merry Christmas!

Elle said...

What do you order when you eat at Cracker Barrel? Tell me!

I miss having a cameraphone for this very reason. I used to take sly photos and videos of Ballet or Playground/Playgroup Moms having bad, bad behavior and then email them to my husband so he could see what I had to endure.

Becky said...

Elle, I ordered the roast beef with fried okra and turnip greens. It was okay. On the occasions when I have dined at CB, I always think, "Oh, this is going to be delicious! Ham and gravy and biscuits oh my!" Then it is all just okay and not the magical portal to country cooking nirvana that I hoped.

And yes, my California friends, Cracker Barrel sells shirts! And Christmas ornaments, and doormats, and bird feeders, and every kind of gimcrack you can imagine.

I know, Amy, that People of Walmart site is unreal!

Keely said...

The fact that he was horrific enough to you to make you take a pictures tells me...you should never visit my hometown. That's pretty much standard issue in the summer.

(In the winter there's a giant parka and a trucker's cap, because a toque would just be too effing practical.)

Kara said...

The sad thing is I saw him and didn't think it was that striking! I see them all the time at Wal-Mart here in Texas. He would have been dressed up!