Thursday, August 20, 2009

But What Do You Think of My Lipcolor, Officer?

Well, that didn't work. Tuesday I had just dropped Laura off at Pretty Neighbor's house to play with her buddy. They live in another section of the neighborhood. Close enough to walk, really, but come on. It is 200 degrees out there, easy. And I am suffering from what I thought was the Hanta virus. (But then I went to the doctor and I guess it's just a sinus infection. Hmm.) So I was driving home, not particularly groomed. Jeans, t-shirt, hair semi-brushed, no makeup. Possibly a pimple, which I was blaming on the Hanta. I was wearing a bra, so that was one good decision.

I am about to turn into my home section, just two streets from my house. Like, I'm stopping at the final stop sign, careful to wait for the roll back because there is a sheriff's deputy behind me. Well darned if he doesn't turn on his blue lights. I pull over, and oh dear, I have a feeling I know what this is about. Yep, expired tag (I know, I KNOW, we're GETTING to it). The deputy guy is just as polite as he can be: "Do you know why I stopped you, ma'am?" This is the part where I totally threw Matt under the bus and played dumb--when Mr. Deputy said the tag was expired, I was all, "Well I do declare! I know so little of such things! I expect I need to check with my husband, just ever as soon as he returns from whoopin' the Yankees." Then I swished my hoop skirts around and held my fan up to my face, gazing demurely at him through long lashes. You know the move.

So the deputy asked to see my license, and I told him I didn't have it, as I was just taking my kid a couple of streets over and I didn't bring my purse. He was kind enough to use his pen to write my name and birthday on his hand so he could go back to his car and check me out. I waited, attempting an attitude of nonchalance. Waving to my neighbors as they drove by. Sweating, but not wanting to start the car so I could turn the air on, because I was afraid Ponch might think I was going to lam it. I wondered whether I was about to get in trouble, and how much. I thought that for having both an expired tag and no license on me, he might impound the car and make me walk the two blocks to my house. Then I looked down at the little console next to my seat. I saw a Lancome Juicy Tubes lip gloss in the color "Touched by Light", and I thought, "I'm saved!" I'd just slather some of that on, and my law-enforcement friend would be charmed by my easy summery glow. I just knew it was the perfect antidote to the whole unwashed, Hanta look I was rocking. And if anyone could get out of a ticket these days, I knew I would, because seriously, that is a gorgeous color.

But when he walked back up to the window, he was already writing out the ticket. Blast! I was puckering like mad, but all in vain. He seemed very sorry to tell me that my tag was indeed expired, and I nodded ruefully, like I couldn't believe my own foolishness. He did not, however, ticket me for not having my license with me, saying he "didn't wanna double up on me." I was wearing myself out trying to look penitent but still breezy and fetching. He could still have torn up the ticket, but no luck. The only thing I can think is that I wasn't enchanting enough?

I got home and told Matt, and he gloated that he'd gotten stopped for the same thing the other day (I know, I KNOW). And dude did NOT get a ticket. What the hecks? Is this male privilege in action? Matt said the guy said, "Be careful, because next time it might not be your local sheriff," or something. Anyway, I'm flummoxed. I can't believe that Lancome and my feminine wiles let me down.

Does anyone get out of traffic tickets anymore? Anyone besides Matt?

28 comments:

Michele Renee said...

(Raises hand wildly) Me! Me!
It was October a few years ago and I had just dropped off my kid at a house not too too far away for a birthday party...and we had lived in this county for four months. I apparently did not see a stop sign at all and was pulled over in an area I had been warned about. I also apparently did not have my new sticky tag on plate (bday is in June so it was 4 months late). But I did have an updated license. My car was very old at the time and I am sure I had no make up on. I said I had just dropped off my kid and I was new to the area. He then tells me about the no updated annual sticker. I said I knew I had registered for it...and lo and behold the sticker was still ON the registration form that was in my glove compartment. So he then took a long time in his car looking me up and must have seen I was as clean as a whistle and he asked me to put the sticker on and that was that. Oh and I think a brake light was out too. I called my husband and was so joyful I got out of it. Made up for his speeding ticket in the middle of nowhere in TN a month prior.

SO SORRY that you got ticketed.

Jenni said...

I have't been stopped in years. Like maybe ten years? But I get tickets from speed cameras on the reg. Freaking DC!

David said...

Me too! A few weeks ago, sitting in the park reading, and drinking a beer without the requisite paper-bag covering. Two cops approached and asked if it was root beer, and I was all "Think fast! You're in a Castro-adjacent park, and our fine mayor has assured us that the cops who patrol the Castro are indeed gay dudes who are sensitive to our, um, 'community.' This might be your one and only chance to wile your way out of a fine." So I flashed my most fetching cock-eyed grin/single-eyebrow raise combo and said "Nope. It's beer beer. Guess I'm caught." I was asked to dump it out immediately ... and even graced with a wink from the younger of the pair, as he told me to consider this a warning.

Then then marched up to a straight couple a few yards off... and wrote *them* a ticket. So I guess "male privilege" of another, more euphemistic sort?!

(And I must remind you, dude, of the time you got a speeding ticket and blamed me because I was in the car with you but had you been without a man, you would have flirted your way out of it. It's a brave new world, I guess!)

Jenni said...

and, also? you = hilarious

Cassie said...

Never, never have I been able to flirt my way out of a ticket. But once I cried my way out of a "reckless driving" charge. I was doing something like 80 in a 45 (I know, I know!) but he only gave it to me for five over because I was sobbing so hard I practically hyperventilated.

Sorry about your ticket and the Hanta.

Michele said...

Usually the fluttering eye lashes works like a charm. Must have been the virus. Rest easy you're not losing your touch. Totally not your fault.

Sara said...

I thought they couldn't undo a ticket once they started to write it? Right? So it wasn't a lipgloss failure at all. Just doin' his job, ma'am.

David-that story is nuts. I'm just..wha?...park bench drinking a beer, brown paper bag, flirty gay cops...I gotta get out of town more. Alls we got right now is fair carnies.

Becky said...

I am loving these stories.

David, I think we could convene a seminar to fully explicate everything that is going on in your anecdote. There's your thick description, cultural studies! And argh, I remember that ticket. 60 in a 50 on Highway 17. Totally bogus!

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Michele! I'm going to say it was because I was not on top of my game.

Sara said...

COUNTY Fair carnies, that is.

clear screen said...

I just got the most miserably expensive ticket for an illegal U-turn I made to prevent the baby from crying while a train went by. I tried to play the baby card with the cop, but he wasn't having it. He even told me to avoid U-turns to protect my "precious cargo." Ugh. On-line traffic school this weekend for me.

The Stiletto Mom said...

Sometimes? Usually if I just say "guilty" when they walk up they laugh and let me out of it. Sometimes.

Hootie said...

Here's a ticket I DIDN'T get out of... pulled over when I was still teaching in Kissimmee... expired tag or something. I told her I was a high school Biology teacher. She responded with, "Oh yeah? I always hated Biology."

So, as long as I was obviously screwed, I countered with, "Well I've always loved the police. We don't even dissect pigs in my class." Then it got real quiet. Then I got a ticket.

Ginny Marie said...

Last time I was pulled over for speeding, it was by a female officer. I got the ticket. And it's not even a funny story...I just can't compete with the previous commenters!

Becky said...

Ginny, I know! This is one of those blogging moments where the comments are so much more interesting than the post. I should invert this and republish.

Hoot, I truly believe that you said that to that lady policeman, and I love you for it.

Clearscreen, I can't believe you played the baby card and it didn't work! That should have been an ace in the hole. And he said "precious cargo"??? Ack.

Stiletto, that will be my strategy next time. I bet it helps that you're so cute.

Keely said...

I don't have any feminine wiles. I think I got shortchanged.

Mental Momma said...

Clearly you did not pull out the big guns and just cry. That always works for me.

Amy said...

Hootie, that is freakin' hilarious! One for the books.

Beck, I'm sorry you still got a ticket, especially cause it's hard to work that much mojo when you've been caught off guard. Swishing your hoop skirts isn't easy while sitting behind the wheel. So, props for that.

I think, though, that if you'd put on some MAC "Oh Baby" he woulda let you off the hook. Just a thought.

The Dental Maven said...

I'm FOREVER getting caught by those damn (unconstitutional-if-you-ask-me) unmanned speed camera's. I always run to the calendar and check the date and time stamp on the ticket--ever hopeful that the husband may have had my car at the time of the infraction.

Rick Dakan said...

In Sarasota I've gotten out of the expired tag ticket three times in my life because the cop recognized the family name and asked if I was related to the judge. I assured them all I was. Also worked when I illegally turned right on red one night.

Now, in Florida anyway, you can register your car for 2 years at a time, so I don't have to worry about it until 2011

gretchen said...

Once, many, MANY years ago, when I was still living in Texas and very YOUNG, I was driving my truck (yes, I drove a pickup truck in my rowdier youth) home from the lake. A sheriff's deputy pulled me over cause I was almost certainly speeding, and asked me to step out of the vehicle. I got out and stood there, wearing nothing but a bikini and flashed my best beauty queen smile. The deputy just stared for a minute, then shook his head and said "Nobody's gonna believe this", then told me to get back in the truck and go on. I'm afraid I don't have that power (or bod) anymore!

The Messy Mom said...

I have been pulled over a lot, and received only two tickets, one of which I contested and never had to pay, but I can assure you it was because of luck and not my feminine wiles.

Fantastic Forrest said...

Very funny story! But I am puzzled:

Why did Matt not renew the tags after he was stopped?! Too busy whoopin' the Yankees?

I've heard if you renew them after getting such a ticket that the judge will reduce the fine. At least that's what happened to me - I mean my friend. Yeah, that's right. My friend.

Bex said...

i was pulled over last week ... and ticketed. by a cop in the part of town famous for not handing out warnings. even after a mixture a sob story and gentle flirtation.

L.A. Story said...

I'm sorry you got ticketed, but it does make for a funny story.

And to echo an earlier question, why didn't the hubs renew the plates after he escaped the law?

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Don't you just love it when the police grandiosly point out that they're not "piling on." Gee, thanks, officer.

Becky, if you'd only remembered your Hello Kitty purse and to cry. Next time, be loaded for bear.

Becky said...

Yes, why DIDN'T Matt get the tags renewed after he got stopped the other day?

I think at this point we are playing "chicken" about the whole thing--who will be the one to take action? It is such a healthy game to play. And everyone loses! ;)

Seriously, this kind of administrative stuff is a weak spot for both of us. So until we can afford that personal assistant, this is the state of affairs.

Chris W said...

I have a story. I had just bought a new car and it was a new fun toy. One evening, I was driving home from the gym after dark and exited the interstate onto a long gently curving ramp that merged with another interstate. I drive this ramp every day and I was within a 1/4 mile of my house. And there was no traffic...almost.

I get on the ramp and ease up to 90mph. No sweat. In fact, the car asks if this is really all I've got. I vaguely notice headlights close behind me, pacing me. Then bluelights. Uh oh. I pull over. I'm thinking he was right behind me and he knows EXACTLY how fast I was going. He appears in my window and says "You don't have a license plate, sir." There was a brief pause while I have one of those stunned moments when you're 110% expecting one thing and get another. So I tell him I bought the car a few days before and even happily provide a bill of sale. He takes my license, makes sure I'm not a wanted felon on the run, returns it without a ticket, and says 'have a nice evening.' No mention of the I'm-totally-busted 90 mph what..so..ever.

I think he was a guy who appreciated that a dude in a new BMW will want to air it out and if there's no harm, there's no foul. Plus I was a local in small-town Arkansas.

The best story I know is when Matt's/our mom was pulled over with pre-schooler Andy riding in the car. Andy said "Good thing I brought my license!" and produced his pre-school tricycle license for the cop's inspection.

Becky said...

Chris, you scofflaw! That is a good story. Sounds like it was kind of a guy moment. And that is adorable about Andy! I've never heard that.

And as an aside I want to note the fact that now, both of Matt's brothers have commented on this blog, while Matt NEVER HAS. And I think I would drop dead from shock if he did, even though he reads every post. It is a mystery. So welcome, Chris!