Sunday, May 3, 2009

Now More Bustier!

This afternoon I found myself near the mall, with no children in tow. I never go to the mall--the last time was December. I phoned Matt and said, "I'm just going to pop into the mall and get some shorts." He said, "Great, see you later." He and Hank had just dropped Laura off at a skating party. I assured him that I would be able to pick her up, as that time was three hours hence. So in I went, and I did not dawdle.

By the entrance was a big, new H&M. Or new to me. I strode in purposefully just to lay eyes on the place. Now, I have been in H&M's before when I am sure they had cute things. But this time the stuff in there looked like the feral offspring of American Apparel and Zara, if that blessed union took place at a summer camp run by Mad Max. Terrible. Colors you have never seen before. Cuts that are surely meant to be insulting. Where was the cute? Just depressing, and poorly lit in there. Like when they turn on the lights in a bar at 2am. I even tried some things on, and determined that it all needed to go straight into the garbage. Oh, but I did buy a necklace! So not a total waste of time.

I left H&M and tried to orient myself. I realized that to get to the bathroom, I would have to run the gauntlet of the nail and hair product kiosks, with their carnival barkers. "Hi Ma'am, can I massage your cuticles?" Ugh. But by ducking straight into the Gap, and swashbuckling through Gap, Gap Body, Gap Kids, and BabyGap, which are all connected, I could exit right across from the restrooms and avoid the hawkers. So I did, still striding purposefully.

When I came out I readied myself to traverse the Gaps again. I walked into BabyGap, and right into a trap. Adorable toddler tees. On sale. Okay, so I assessed the situation and picked out an apatosaurus tee, a "Hotdog!" tee, a swordfish tee, and some Hawaiian print trunks ($6.99!) for Hank. Then I successfully charged through Gap Kids without stopping, because seriously, Laura has clothes in her closet with tags on them. And I had a schedule to keep. I couldn't just lose myself in retail.

But when I rounded the corner into Gap Body, it smelled really good in there. I slowed down to sniff the air. And look at the panties, laid out so pretty! Then it dawned on me that a new bra could be the Key to Everything. I am a grown up lady, and skilled in many areas. But my knowledge of brassieres is remedial. I've been buying the same kind for years, even though they do nothing in particular for me. Since, in that department, I've never been well-endowed by my creator with certain, um, inalienable rights, I haven't paid much attention to bra world. But I knew that Gap Body sold the little unstructured triangles of stretchy fabric that I regard as bras. So I started looking. Along the way, a kind of fancy "zero visibility" bra, designed for low-cut shirts, caught my eye. I am all about the low-cut shirts--it's one of the benefits of having no boobs to speak of.


So I grabbed a 36A, which I think of as my size, and went to try it on. It made me look like a mutant. Not good. The helpful salesgirl was hovering, and I said, "Do you have a 38A? Though that can't be right!" The girl said, "Have you tried a 36B?" I said, "No, because a B cup is for people who have boobs. I just have what you see here." She said, "Yeah, can I measure you?" I said, "Knock yourself out." So she did, and she said, "Yeah, you're a 36B, or really a 35, but try the 36B." Then she brought me two bras that I NEVER would have tried on. Because they had molded, shaped cups that were actually shaped like boobs instead of little triangles. I don't buy bras like that. They don't exist in my world. One was the Lightly Lined Lacy T-shirt Bra, and the other was the Ultra Push-Up Bra. Ultra push-up! I do declare. Going from zero push-up to "ultra" push-up was a shock to my system. Settle down girls!

Well darned if she wasn't right. The B cup looked much better. Everything in that, um, region just suddenly made sense. And I lurrrved the push up bra. I realized that I was a walking Oprah show cliché. Remember the show(s) about how most women are wearing the wrong bra size? I never thought it would be me, until it was. Ladies, are you wearing the right size? I mean, congratulations are in order! I woke up an A cup this morning, and I'm going to bed a B cup. So I bought those bras, feeling, by that time, seriously refreshed and recharged by retail therapy.

Then I looked at the clock. Errmm, picking up my child was starting to seem less convenient, because I needed to get her in half an hour, and I still hadn't made it back into the big Gap to look at shorts. All the childfree browsing time had turned my poor head around. So I phoned Matt. I said, "Are you at home?" He said no, and he explained that since we'd last spoken, he'd dropped Laura off at the skating party, taken Hank to lunch and then to throw rocks into Lake Lanier, and had then sat in the car for an hour while Hank napped. I said, "Tell me the best way to get from here to pick up Laura," and he said, "Would you like for me to go get her?" I said, "Yes" and "I marry you" three times just like Nicole Kidman does in Cold Mountain.

So I was free to scope out the Gap, looking for shorts and capris to renew my summer uniform. First of all, omg a pair of cut-off denim shorts costs $49 in the Gap now. Second of all, everything in the Gap is much cuter now than it used to be. For the last couple of years, maybe since Patrick Robinson came on board as the designer there, it is way less sad in that place. I remember when all their clothes looked like what we'd be wearing after the apocalypse. But no more. So I found a blue pair and a white pair of shorts, and got two tops, and then lit out for home feeling completely sated.

That took three hours. I got home and had time to clean up and watch an episode of The Real Housewives of New York City before the rain sent Matt and the kids home from the park. Because he picked up Laura and then took them both to the park to ride bikes. Because he is that awesome. And in exchange for his awesome kid-tending abilities, he gets a bustier wife!

So I have now edged that much closer to Suburban Matron becoming a shopping blog. Maybe spring does this to me. How 'bout you? What's on your shopping list these days?

25 comments:

Keely said...

uh, EVERYTHING. I went out this afternoon on a similar excursion thinking, "I need some tops and a new purse and running shoes, at the very least running shoes", and came home with nothing.

But good work on being more of a mountain range and less a prairie landscape! I need a proper fitting too but I'm freaked out because ever since nursing X they're not really the same size.

As each other, I mean.

Amy said...

Wow! I can't wait to see the bustier you. :) I'm SURE I wear the wrong size--I need to get my girls properly fitted.

BTW that fried egg pic is hilarious!! I think you underestimate yourself. And Matt is totally awesome.

Cassie said...

Congratulations on your increased boobage. There's nothing like a new bra (in a bigger size at that! Wowza!) to make you walk a little taller. Bring on the v-neck shirts!

Oh and the eggs.... HAHAHA!

SJN said...

where's the fairness in the gene department for how big your boobs are? Certainly not in my family. We discovered GB a couple years ago, and yes it's great for the lesser endowed of us, a good find!

Casey said...

I'm jealous of your shopping excursion. I rarely leave a fitting room without being on the verge of tears. Oh, and your bra problems, ha. I'd KILL to be that size, mine is a letter that I never knew existed in a bra size. At least I'm getting them chopped off in July. Guess I made that about me, no?

The Dental Maven said...

Wow! Now that's a good shopping day! Congrats on your promotion!

Michele Renee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenni said...

pants, two sizes smaller! and giant tops to fit my gigantic boobs and also allow for public nursing on the DL. And matching spring/summer little boy outfits.

Ginny Marie said...

I'm so jealous of you, being without the kids and able to shop!

I need new gym shoes, and shorts that don't make my butt and thighs look fat. Ha! Never going to find them.

You have maybe already read this, but I thought of you:
http://www.dooce.com/daily-style/2009/05/04/orla-kiely-coffee-mugs

Ginny Marie said...

P.S. You blogged about something BEFORE Dooce did!!!

fraught said...

As usual, you've got me trying to catch my breath from laughing. Way to go you, bustier matron! And moving into the strange tangent lane, the NYC Real Housewife who's getting hers taken down a few sizes? (I think it's Jill?) MY FRIEND IS HER FRIEND. Like, yuh-huh, for reals. She was even ON THE SHOW.

Me, yeah, I need everything BUT new running shoes. Those, I have. Anything involving a dressing room? eeeeeeeeeek!!

leafmonster said...

It wasn't before, but now a size B cup is on my shopping list. I'm not sure if this is related, but I also have to buy grapefruit.

Becky said...

Ha ha! I must admit I have been enjoying the new bustier me today, even if I only went to Target (where I DID buy grapefruit)!

Ginny, when I saw that Dooce was posting about Orla Kiely, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT! Like, "That's old news, honey!" See? I'm closing in on her. LOL.

Okay Fraught, your friend is Jill's friend?? OMG, that six degrees thing is for real! I actually like Jill. Or I have weird affection for all of them, but I like her the best.

Michele Renee said...

OK, just had a discussion with hubs about how you went to a Gap Body and how I never even HEARD of this store. He says that he has. Huh? I reminded him that the only time we go to the Mall is for a Santa visit and then we get the he** out of dodge as it gets crowded and it certainly is not the time for me browsing for the girls' merchandise with 4 males in tow. Clearly I need to get out more and have just ranted about it over here. Thanks, I feel better now. But back to you, I could feel the easy, breezy satisfaction in your happy day. I'm excited that you scored some summer stuff!

Michele Renee said...

It's me again. I saw the same thing on Dooce. You're right, that WAS old news. Becky, you're being imitated. Also, I saw your blog listed today on C Jane on the right hand side. WOW!

Becky said...

Michele, how DID your hubs know about Gap Body? Mine refers to different retail establishments as "the pants store" and "the running shoes place." And yeah, I can't see taking four dudes in there with you.

The Gap Body is at North Pointe, if you get over there.

Becky said...

And PS to your PS, Michele: I have no idea how I showed up on C Jane. But surely this means I can go on Oprah now? RIGHT?

Fantastic Forrest said...

You have inspired me. Tomorrow I will buy a new bra. I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to share what size I'll get. I'm bashful that way. But suffice it to say I haven't been a B since junior high.

Target has grapefruit? Since when?

The Messy Mom said...

Thank you for sharing, I do appreciate all the details. I am so bad at bra shopping. I need one of those Oprah Ah ha moments. I went from a C to a DD during pregnancy, and now I guess I am a B. It's all too confusing.

PS- It's crazy to hear you mention North Pointe. I shopped there when I lived near Atlanta, granted I was 14, but it still counts.

crazylovescompany said...

Ok. First of all, yes. As I was reading I was thinking, she can't be a 36 A. She needs to get herself checked. And you did! So good job. Now those low cut tops you bought yourself can really show off the girls!

And we clearly shop at different Gaps because my Gap still looks like post-apocolypse wear.

melondonkey said...

I'm assuming you went to Mall of Georgia, where I also find the H&M to be very disappointing and un-European.

I'm glad to hear about the comeback of GAP, but it will take a little more convincing and at least one purchaseable mens item. Although I'll have to say that an exceptionally cute GAP saleswoman also prompted my own personal size revolution. I was wearing M for years until I was just told "uh, you should probably wear small." When I think of all the wasted years and shirts...

missynall said...

I am soooooo going to use your brilliant escape route to avoid the Dead Sea people. BEST tip of the YEAR! I haven't bought Gymboree from the mall (do it online) in years because of those folks.
Missy
missynall@comcast.net

Becky said...

Hey Melon, no it was North Pointe. I never go over to the Mall of Georgia, because it seems far, even though it's probably not. Messy Mom, I forgot you lived here. Funny!

Missy, YES, that Gymboree is right in the middle of the nest of vipers. The Gap cut-off will let you just run straight across the hall though. BTW, I have Gymboree discount codes if anyone wants them. Maybe I should post about that.

Bex said...

your boob illustrations cracked me up!!!!!

i had a few shopping days like that recently after hubs and i got into a doozy of a row. thankfully now, the only thing on my list is to replenish my bath and body works things that are running low and ching! ching! mother's day is just around the corner!

Drama Queen Jenner said...

LOL @ the eggs! Congrats on the oranges!

Nothing good comes from going to the mall. Of course, the kiosk people wither away from my glares! Glad oyu had a great time shopping. :)