Friday, February 11, 2011

That Troublesome Sleepover

I just had a feeling about that kid from the moment she came in the house last Saturday. Just a little bit bratty. And have you ever observed that when your child is hanging out with a less civilized playmate, her behavior begins to match her friend's? Yeah. At a couple different points in the evening, I pulled Laura aside for little one-on-one reality checks about her 'tude. Nothing major.

At a reasonable hour, the girls said they were going to stay in their room for the night. When Laura has a friend over, they sleep in Hank's room because he has more space, and he bunks with us.  Laura has her twin bed she's always had, but somehow Hank is living large with a queen-sized bed and a sofa in his room. He could host the hospitality suite for a mid-sized trade convention.  So I supposed the girls were tucked away for the night, and I went to bed.

Matt keeps late hours, and as he sat in the office, he heard strange noises overhead.  With the psychic powers that come with parenthood, he thought, "I bet those kids are climbing out the window."  He went upstairs to investigate and THAT'S EXACTLY what they were doing.  They'd pushed the screen out of one of Hank's windows--doing none too delicate a job of it, as one of the little tabs broke off--and were climbing out onto the little sloping roof underneath. 

Now, as harrowing as it sounds, this would actually be the best escape route from the upstairs in the event of a fire.  Our house is on a hill, and Hank's room is on the uphill side.  If I had to get out of the upstairs in an emergency, I'd climb out of his window, shimmy my legs down over the edge and drop down onto the grass. 

So, not a probably fatal thing to be doing, but do we want Laura and her friend to be going out there in the dark? NOPE. Matt scolded them and told them it was dangerous and under no circumstances were they to do it again.  Then, as he told me later, he was going to let it go, because it was definite mischief and bad kid judgment, but you know, once they thought of it, it probably seemed very tempting.  And kids don't have good judgment because of something to do with the amygdala, it's why they need us.  He thought, "I never actually told the kids not to climb out the window before." So he made himself clear and it was done. Anyway.   

Fast forward to the next morning.  Matt was still asleep and I knew nothing of any nocturnal defenestrations.  It was daylight, so the foster children had come over and were jumping on the trampoline with Hank.  I was engaging in some much needed coffee-sipping and Country Living perusal. The little kids came running in,  bubbling over with words.  They acted like they had the scoop of the century.  "Laura's on the roof!"  I was like, "wha?"  They said, "Laura's on the roof by Hank's room!"

I went upstairs promptly and sure enough, the window was open, the screen was out, and Laura looked like the most busted child to ever know she was busted.  Like any good Southern mother, I hollered at them to get their butts inside right that minute. Then I was kind of low-key about it, probably for all the reasons Matt had been.  I told them it was a very bad idea and showed poor judgment.  Then I told them to fix the screen and I left the room.  I couldn't quite figure out why Laura looked like someone standing in a tumbril, being driven to the guillotine.

Still, I decided that she and her playmate had had enough time together, so I did something I've never done.  I texted the other mom and told her that her daughter was ready for a pick-up.  I told her that Laura was in trouble for climbing out the window and that all the fun had to cease.  She replied, "Gotcha."

Then Matt got up and the full scope of her error became clear.  We were both in disbelief that, having been told not to climb out the window, she CLIMBED OUT THE DAMN WINDOW.  We took turns.  I reached back into my parents' parenting playbook and gave her the speech about how in the not-too-distant future, she would want to go places and have freedoms, but to do those things she would have to show she could be trusted with small things.  Etcetera. She was contrite.  She also did some blame shifting onto her friend. We weren't having any of that.

And yet.  And yet, I do think this particular friend might be someone with whom she has a hard time making good decisions.  You know what I mean?  I don't want to be one of those mothers who says, "Oh my angel child could never conceive of such mischief," but the defying Matt and going out the window again?  That's not like her at all.  I think that this friend, because of her home circumstances, gets to be her own boss a lot.  Her mother seems beleaguered.  She is a really nice lady, and when I went to pick Laura up from the one previous playdate they had together, I was surprised to see that their house--in Fancy Land, no less--was almost hoarder-level cluttered.  Just a different kind of clutter from what we have over here at the end of the day.  The one detail that stuck out to me was that she was shelving books between the spindles of her staircase, as it went up from the living room.  Pathways blocked and things used for other than their intended purposes are both clutter warning signs, according to the doctorate in psychology I earned watching that show on A&E.  Anyway, so the mom, bless her, obviously has her hands full. I digress. 

So Matt told Laura she was grounded.  No screen time, no friends, no pleasure, just hair shirts and ashes and homework and swimming.  We've done one week of that and I think he's imagining another week to really get her attention.   

Do you believe what delinquents both of my kids are this week?  And people tell me I should write a book about parenting. Oh ho!

But you know, we have had a lovely week.  She comes home and with no distractions, we talk at length about her day, we spend a long time with her work, we just have more time together.  Yesterday she read to me for a long time as I cooked supper.  She is really the sweetest girl in the world.  I am hoping this experience will teach her to exit the house only by approved methods of egress.

20 comments:

Shannon said...

LMAO!! Love the last line! Wait 'til the teen years...if my parents knew half of what I did? I'd be retroactively grounded until AARP sent me an invitation...

Elizabeth said...

That's wild, and I'm so in agreement about certain "friends" making our kids make poor choices. My older son is much like your Laura, and while we have made sure that he takes full responsibility for mistakes he has made, it's telling that those mishaps were ALWAYS (the big ones, anyway) with the same friend. Thankfully, we eventually left the school and there was much distance between them. You and Matt sound like such superb parents but I do hope that you're still blogging when Laura is a teenager.
Oy.

Kelly said...

Hmm...sounds like that friend is t-r-o-u-b-l-e

Elle said...

That sleepoverer is f-a-s-t.

It's a good thing Hank will have such an easy entrance for his young-lady friends. Make sure you get him a guitar. [insert sly, winking emoticon.]

Pamela said...

I love that "oh mah holy hell I'm so dead" look. It reminds me that sometimes I get it right.

Aimee said...

Oh wow. I think I would have gone bat-crazy over that. I agree with certain friends and their negative influences. Our worst one to date (which is so minor, really) was the Kindergarten bestie who taught Nicolas to throw his lunchtime trash on the floor under the cafeteria tables...among other things. I just LOVE those end-of-the-school-year forms that ask, "Are there any children who your child should not be placed in a class with next year." Oh, HELL yes.

My Kids' Mom said...

The worst part of this is that as our babies get older, the bad influences encourage them to do worse things. I started to worry when I saw I had a toddler who was a follower. What happens when he's told he won't be cool/won't be a friend-- whatever harassment they choose---unless he breaks the law with them/for them...?! Time for some role playing, I'd suggest.

Michele R said...

Good story.
Yes. You have entered the world of children's friends that have not had similar parenting. That's a good "parental book" you have with the foresight of down the road being more get togethers/activities, etc.
We went thru something similar when eldest was 11. It is a good thing to have these events now before they get into middle school IMO--good lessons now and not later with a more serious situation. And glad it happened at our house so we got a clue of stuff that can go on.
Three yrs ago we had a new child spend the night along with some reg friends and I found out next day after they left what had gone on. Sh*t hit the fan. We knew it was this new friend that was the instigator but a major discussion took place about not being a follower and all the other counseling from the parental book. In the meantime this new child knew of the trouble he caused (these were 11 yr old boys), and told his mom. She called me apologizing and hoped they could be friends still. I made no commitment. They showed up at the door with an apology letter to us. I appreciated the gesture but there were no more invites and then they moved away.

Michele R said...

That was me (Must be a full moon). Something is wrong with blogger.

Reading Rosie said...

Simple...that would be the last sleep over with that particular friend at our house or theirs. Follow your motherly intuition. Great post!

Camp Papa said...

I thought that window would be trouble sometime down the road. I just didn't expect it would be this soon, nor that it would be L. who would be the actor. With her brains and instincts, anytime she is a follower the wrong person is in the lead.

Meghan said...

I laughed at this. When I was a bit older than Laura...probably 10 or so, my bff Mikaela and I discovered we could go out her window and jump off the roof into the front yard. And we did it a whole lot until we got in a whole lot of trouble...I think someone finally picked up on the fact that we kept coming through the front door, with no evidence of having left the house in the first place (we weren't the brightest with our roof jumping scheming). That was the end of that until years later when I think Mikaela used the same mechanism to sneak out for a Metallica concert one night. Anyway, it was sort of funny, cause we were both good kids who were not keen on disobedience. But things like that were just too tempting. We were also forbidden from exploring the drainage ditches in the neighborhood, but that didn't stop us from many afternoon adventures in the tunnels.

Jenni said...

Next time? There are going to be boys outside that window. Better put up some bars.

And so it begins.

Rosemary P. said...

Isn't it amazing what happens when kids loose screen time and texting/cell time?

Oh how did I ever survive my childhood in the late 60's - 70's.

Keely said...

Woah. That's pretty brassy.

Amy said...

Cheeky girl! ;) I remember those talks we had with Dad very well--and I'm glad you reminded me cause I'm totally gonna use them when needed. Laura is a good girl, and I'm sure this whole experience has made an impression on her! She will learn pretty quickly that it just isn't worth the risk to go against you guys. Consequences are swift and vast!

Amy said...

What a fab post, from beginning to end line! I loved the window (aheh) onto your and Matt's parenting -- always an awe-inspiring view, frankly.

And, indeed. My child, not so angelic. But - usually possessed of decent judgment. While we don't allow the blame-shifting either, we are aware.

Great "follower/lead" line, Camp Papa!

Suburban Princess said...

The people who have imperfect children are the ones who write parenting books the best! If our kids were perfect we wouldnt need parenting books!

Sara said...

I am laughing with you! In just the past month, Aggie lost half of her front tooth at just that type of friend's house. (A friend's house she will no longer be visiting.) Then, this weekend, at a sleepover birthday party Aggie attended, that friend showed up knowing she has lice. Her parents know she has lice. They apparently tell her to just put her hair up.
:(

gretchen said...

I fear that I'm in agreement with Jenni about the bars. But the problem really is that it's Hank's room, and teenage boys are even more likely to be climbing out windows. And you really should write a parenting book. Because you actually worked the word amygdala into a sentence.