The Big Weiner

We have a winner for our Giant Orla Kiely Tea Towel Giveaway! The randomator gave the magic number of 11, which is Cassie! Yay Cassie! I was so worried that the randomator would pick me, because I commented on my own post, duh, and then I'd have to pick another number, but you know, the integrity of the whole process would have been compromised. Everyone knows the first random number is the RIGHT AND TRUE one. But no worries!

And thank you to everyone who left a comment. I wish I had enough to completely wrap all of you in tea towels. Which might even be fun. But Cassie has two little children to wipe up after, so she is very deserving. And she also has a daughter with a wicked fashion sense. So email me your address, Cassie!

This was fun. Let's do it again, shall we?

Today's Preoccupations: Things Not to Say

I'd like to make a series of recommendations. Here are some phrases I would like to not hear anymore:

1) “Pops of color,” used in talking about decorating: This scourge started on the proliferating home shows on TLC and those channels. Now it has infected the speech of normal people. Anyone who says this automatically sounds like a twit. Instead, just say, “I like red,” or the color in question. Or just say nothing. If you are actually being interviewed by the editors of House Beautiful, go with “I like red.”

2) A “perfect storm” of anything. It’s not that I think this phrase should only be reserved for talking about the weather. But a simple coincidence is not a perfect storm. This phrase should be kept for a truly extraordinary confluence of circumstances, like circumstances that would result in the drowning of George Clooney and Markie Mark AND that other guy from Boogie Nights. Instead, maybe say “a confluence of circumstances.” And then explain what you mean. Help us make sense of what happened by putting the different aspects of the situation in a narrative. Thanks!

3) “Drill down” on something. In, like, computer-speak or IT, this means to move from general information to specific data, like by moving deeper into the hierarchy of directories on your computer, or by querying a database. But now people use it metaphorically, it seems, to just mean getting more information. It even has a noun, “Here’s what I learned from the drilldown.” Don’t talk this way. It’s jargony. And you sound like one of those bluetooth headset guys who tries to butt in line at the airport.

4) “At the end of the day. . .”: Just never say this. What are you talking about? You’re trying to cue us to the fact that you’re about to deliver a profound summation. It is irritating. Instead, maybe just stick with, “I think. . . .”

5) Fierce: This is done. It may have always been done. But I could see it being funny in about 8 years, so we’ll reconvene then.

6) "24/7": This is tired. And usually inaccurate. But it can be saved! Instead, say, “24/7 like 7/11.” Keep your delivery arch. Then it is funny.

And what I’d like to hear more of:

1) Great Caesar’s Ghost! Or sweet sassy molassy! Or sweet fancy Moses! Or heavens to mergatroid! Try these old timey sayings. Really put some relish into them. These phrases are like the Mrs. Dash of ejaculations (hee hee)! And speaking of ejaculations. . .

2) Really any archaic vocabulary: I cannot get enough of it. If you read a lot of old novels, you probably already sound a little like a nineteenth-century social comedy. But more is even better. If, instead of saying something “makes you sick” or “drives you crazy,” you say that if gives you "the fantods," you have my full attention. And I am delighted.

3) The Eff Word: Yes, the mother of all bad words. I know people always talk about how profanity is overused and loses its impact and we’re all desensitized to it. I disagree. I think the eff word never loses flavor or freshness. The anti-profanity people will sniff, “I think using cursewords is a sign of a limited vocabulary. Can’t you construct a sentence without those words?” Perhaps, but those words are words like all our other words, so why not take ‘em out for a spin? Lighten up, Francis.

4) Fo ‘shizzle, etc: Shizzle everything, I SWEAR. It’s funny. Again, keep your delivery slightly arch and enunciate carefully. Maybe, “For shizzle,” instead of “fo’shizzle.” Once, years ago, my sister had just had her first baby and I was visiting her in Dallas. We were driving around aimlessly with her newborn baby in the back of the car, trying to ward off postpartum cabin fever. We were hoping to maybe see a movie at the neighborhood theatre, but as we drove up, we could see a long line winding out of the building and down the block. We both, without premeditation, said in unison, “Forgizzle!” (Like, “Forget it.”) A new coinage, as far as we knew. And I don’t think we have ever laughed so hard. Maybe you have to be caring for a newborn for it to be funny. But it still makes my eyes crinkle up.

So what do you want to hear less of? Or more of? Unfold, that we may attend.

A Giveaway! An Orla Kiely Giveaway!

Just like I'm a real blogger, y'all! I always see everyone else do this, so why the heck not?

When my mom came through here the other day and unloaded her Santa's sleigh of Orla Kiely she'd scored for me, I realized I had purchased more tea towels than is legal or natural.

So I thought I would compensate you good people for having had a front row seat to my obsession, and give away this set of two dish towels in the bright green pear print. They are brand new and I haven't even sopped up anything with them. I love them, I do. But. . .

If you love something,

Set it free.

If it comes back to you,

You didn't use enough postage.

So leave a comment on this post, and Tuesday night or so, I'll use one of them randomator thingies to pick the winner. And then you'll email me your address at SuburbanMatron at gmail dot com, and BAM! Tea towels for you.

Sure, Dooce gave away four Wii's on her blog. And I have, well, I have these two tea towels. Thus you see our relative positions in the blog world. I don't love you any less, though. And if I had a million dollars, I'd buy you an exotic pet.

She's Bionic Now, or Her Mouth Is

Remember when I described Laura's various orthodontic issues? Well, on Wednesday she had her palate expander inserted to correct her crossbite. It looks like this:

Twice a day for a while, and then once a day, we give it a crank with a little key to expand her upper jaw. Right now she is a little sore, but she's a trouper. Apparently after the bone suture that holds the two halves of the jaw together separates, the soreness will go away. It's amazing to me that this works. Dental Maven, are you out there? I've been thinking of you and wishing you lived next door.

We are giving Laura ibuprofen, whether she complains or not. Right now when she talks, I can hear that she has something in her mouth. Maybe if she were older, this would bother her, but she showed off the device to her classmates, and seems to be doing fine.

So while we initially thought this would be the only treatment, it never turns out that way, does it? When Matt and I went in to hear the guy's treatment recommendations, he asked if anyone else in the family had an underbite. I was like, "I don't think so," and Matt was like, "Honey, are you forgetting your entire family?" Oh, he's right. Turns out that Laura has the same underbite that everyone on my mom's side of the family has (except for me). My sister actually had surgery in her teens to correct this, and it was a major thing. So I called my dad up and complained that he hadn't more carefully vetted my mom's genetic dowry. We never think of our future grandchildren's orthodontia when we're young and in love, do we?

So we're looking at the palate expander, and nighttime headgear, and partial braces on her front teeth. He thinks this will all be complete in 18 months or so. I kind of almost flipped out when he pulled out the headgear. I thought, "There is no way we're sending her to school in that." But not to worry--it's just at night. I don't think it will be too restrictive, and if it helps avoid surgery down the road, then we're up for it. After that meeting, Matt and I agreed that it was going to be both more trouble and less money than we feared. The whole shebang is $3000, of which $1000 will be paid by our insurance. I always love specific info on this stuff, so I'm giving the numbers for you folks who are googling "palate expanders" and such. So after a discount for paying up front, we were out of pocket like $1700. And this guy will really earn that--he has to see her every week for a while, then every two weeks, then monthly. . .it's like being pregnant, in reverse. Or not really, but you get it.

So that's this week's news from our checking account. And get this, my loving parents (the ones who gave Laura a genetic tendency to prognathism) are taking the kids to the mountain house this weekend. Leaving Matt and me at home to work our butts off on our own projects. And maybe kick up our heels for like, five minutes. So they'll be turning the magical mouth key, bless 'em! And we have a childfree weekend coming up. Gotta get the kids ready.

Have a good one,y'all!

My Love for Orla Kiely Will Not Be Silenced

Or it will after this, maybe. But I need to show you some of the Orla Kiely for Target stuff I got. After I had trouble finding any dishes or table linens in the store near me, I was slightly mollified to find that you could order the dishes online. Which I did. But I also had my mom on high alert in Florida. She was a real soldier, and one day she visited all THREE of her local stores, striking gold and picking up some goodies. She called me from the store:

Mom: Becky, it looks like they have the canisters here.
Me: Oh be still my heart!
Mom: But now, they're different colors, do you know that?
Me: Yes! Grab them!
Mom: Okay, do you want all three?
Me: Quickly, woman, put them in your cart, and watch your back.
Mom: Well, okay, but there's really nobody around. . .
Me: IN YOUR CART!

We had a lot of conversations in Targets that day. She ran me a tab. So really, there wasn't much I actually needed to bestir myself to go and get. Even by phone, she's my favorite shopping buddy. Thanks, Mom!

So here are some of my faves. These are the cork placemats that Laura was modeling the other day.

I think I'll use these a lot because they are wipe-offable. And I love the green, and the pear print is classic Orla Kiely. I'm still playing with what else to put on the table.

That is an old Red Wing Pottery console bowl and candle holders that I got an an antique store in Dillsboro, NC. I love the mid-century look, the freeform shape, and the two different glazes. I think that by mixing pieces that you already have with new stuff, you can avoid looking like you just brought the store shelf into your house. This is the fun part for me--seeing what works with what. And ooh, those are the O.K. coasters in the bowl. They are adorable and you should get them. There's one in every pattern of the line.

Here's another set of table linens that I like.

Laura was "helping" me set the table by putting down a stack of Nancy Drew books. Does Nancy Drew go to the right of the water glass? Or over the dessert fork? Those two plates are actually from two different sets--I'm not sure what I like with what yet.

The napkins are really great quality--nice, heavy cotton. Each set has four different colors that coordinate with the flower pattern. Also, those placemats reverse to blue or brown. But you know me, I like a lot of look and I like to play around. That's another Red Wing bowl. Not married to it. Not married to the glittery pears either. Not sure why I own glittery pear candles? Possibly the outward sign of an inward and spiritual grace. So what instead of the glittery pear candles?

Finally, the canister set that was sold out online in like, hours. It's still out there in stores, though. These are great. Heavy stoneware with nice lids. Hey cuties!

So the most pressing question is, if these were in your kitchen, would you line them up in order of size, or stagger them? I know you may need to clear some time to consider this. And yes, I got both the green and the brown pitchers. Why are you looking at me like that? I think they'll make great vases.

Because I am merciful, I am not inflicting the mugs (nice and heavy), the rest of the melamine (adorable), the seat cushions (cushiony) and the floor mat (um, just fine) on you. I would love to hear/see what you got. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart! But we don't ever have to talk about this again if you don't want.

It's a Things I Love Thursday!

What Actually Works

That blog carnival Works for Me Wednesday is a weekly collection of great household and lifehacker tips--things that make life better and your day go easier. Sometimes I contribute, when I have something to offer. But today I thought, "What if we just all got real about what is TRULY working for us, on a daily basis?" So with tongue only partly in cheek, I offer a partial list:

What Actually Works for Me

1) Money
2) Smiling a lot
3) Alcohol
4) Selective laziness
5) Having a spouse who is nicer than I am

There. I won't put my link on the WFMW thing, because I don't want to pollute their sweet round-up of helpful information with my post today. I love those guys.

So how about it? What's really working for you?

Today's Preoccupations: Fashion Edition

Appropriate attire, people. It's on my mind today. Okay, so there are those blankets with sleeves--Snuggies--that you can get, I think, if you plan to sit down on your couch and not get up for a very, very long time. Well, for some reason, people are wearing them outdoors now. That NYT article claims that its "use in public" is an "aspect of Snuggie that has been little explored." Oh do tell.

This whole situation makes me want to die. But apparently, Snuggie has fans in unexpected quarters. Young people in Brooklyn are wearing them on all-Snuggie pub crawls. (Will hipsters just do anything if it seems uncool enough?) Some kind of high-level, reverse snobbery, anti-chic at work there. I will admit, an organized all-Snuggie gathering kinda makes me smile.

So in the NYT's experiment, people were very welcoming and admiring of the Snuggie. The only problem that the reporter found in wearing the Snuggie out and about was that, being open in the back, with no closures, it was very cold. I have an easy answer: Duh, wear two, one frontways and one backwards, hospital gown style. (If you haven't read the post in that link, take a ride in my wayback machine. It concerns some very inappropriate attire.) So, what use if any do YOU see for the Snuggie? Like, do you have one at home? Do you want one for home? Do you want one to wear out on the town? I am all ears.

And oh Lord, check out this Snuggie commercial parody.

Also, over at my baby chucha's blog, Amy has raised the issue of guys wearing skinny jeans. I know a lot of teenagers are doing this. But who else is, really? Is it only the people who might also be prone to go on a Snuggie pub crawl, or be photographed by the Sartorialist?

And finally, my Laura, who agrees with me every night on what she will wear to school the next day, and then gets up and puts on anything she wants, knowing that her father (who gets her out the door in the morning) is oblivious to the finer points of fashion, seasonal appropriateness, or even if what she has on is hers/clean/in compliance with school dress codes and cultural norms.

This was today's ensemble, fresh off the schoolbus: her less-clean pair of Uggs, jeans, MY fresh produce hoodie, a polka-dotted headband with streamers, and her new brown and blue backpack. It's an eye-opening combo. Somehow she always carries it off, but I guess our days of matching Gymboree and Hanna ensembles are behind us. What is it with girls this age and the active avoidance of clothing that coordinates?

And YES, Laura is also modeling my new Orla Kiely placemats, more about which later, gators! And you KNOW there will be.

Stick a fork in me and call this my Random Tuesday tidbits.

Hello Snow! And a Bloggy Project.

Happy March 1 to everyone. It was a corker! In the middle of the morning, the rain here in the ATL turned to this.

That's down in Centennial Park, courtesy of the NYT. The flakes were HUGE and fluffy, like biscuits. In like a lion, indeed. When Hank went down for a nap this afternoon, I took to my bed to watch it snow and finish a book that I didn't want to read in the dark. Being in bed in the middle of afternoon, good book, snow falling, sleeping toddler. . .Oh Baby that's what I like. If anyone wants to read something short and scary (and good), lemme know and I'll give you a rec. (It doesn't involve vampires or zombies.) None of the snow stuck--it just wasn't cold enough, but it was lovely to watch it fall all day.

Speaking of lovely, if you're not reading A Day That Is Dessert (it's over there in my blogroll), you should check it out. Lecia's blog is always filled with gorgeous ideas and pictures, and she has asked me to ask you to help her out. Lecia is seeking Flat Stanley stories and photos to publish on her blog. I had not heard of the Flat Stanley books by Jeff Brown, but apparently this is a big thing for Kindergarten and first-grade classes to do. As Lecia explains,

In the book, Stanley Lambchop has all sorts of adventures after he is flattened by a bulletin board. Your child will use their imagination to help create new adventures. Flat Stanley will go visit a family member or dear friend of your child’s choosing for the rest of the month. The job of the host family is to incorporate Stanley into their lives, create new adventures and correspond with the class.

If you've done the Flat Stanley thing with your kids, go share your pics. Or if your child's class is about to do it, go see what others have done. The Flat Stanleys that Lecia and friends made are so cute that they may inspire me to make one of my rare forays into crafting. Yikes!