Friday, June 12, 2009

Local News

I swear to God, I think I'm living in a well-heeled suburb of a thriving city in the New South, and then I open my county's weekly paper, and it turns out I'm living in Dogpatch. Actual headlines from pages 2-3 of my paper:

"Dancing Leads to Knife Fight"

"Woman Can't Remember Much"

"He Chose the Wrong Guy to Chest Bump"

"Suspect Dropped His Drawers and Ran"

One day I aspire to live in a place with a better class of mischief-maker. Anyway, the clear winner of the Dumbest Person in My Paper contest is the chest bump guy. Apparently he shoved a woman outside a restaurant. An off-duty sheriff's deputy confronted him about it, and told him he was a cop. Dude chest bumped the deputy, and after the deputy had totally immobilized him and was holding him, waiting for backup, he kept telling the deputy that he "had 15 seconds to release [him] or [he] was gonna buck." What a spirited rascal! The woman who can't remember much is just sad--I'm worried about her. And the guy who dropped his drawers and ran gets points for agility. The knife fight story is also hilarious, but you can kind of imagine how that one goes. It contains an exciting turnabout: the guy attacked on the dance floor kicked the knife out of the perp's hands, and then kicked him in the face. The police expressed astonishment in their report that such a fat man had kicked someone in the face. To which I say, welcome to the South. You never know what we're capable of.

I hope y'all are well. And please keep it classy out there.

11 comments:

Amy said...

Man, I hate it when I choose the wrong guy to chest bump! That just never ends well. And I would like to know more about this dance floor knife story! I pictured it as a Jack Black/Will Ferrel dance showdown type of thing.

LOL I think this may need to be a regular feature of SubMat.

Oh how I miss the South.

The Dental Maven said...

"Dopey," unfortunately, has no regional restrictions.

Casey said...

Moving here would be absolutely no help, all of the crazies live in FL. Including me. Oh, and our teachers all sleep with their students.

Michele said...

These are great news stories.

I drove about an hour out of Houston the other day and smacked right into HeeHaw Hell. Being the 4th largest city in the U.S. does not make us immune.

Sara said...

LOL! I can't believe there's competition for our local paper!

One of our favorite things to do at work is check the "Police Beat" to see how many of our customers are in there. Are your free classified ads as awesome as ours? We've had someone advertising a 'Green Bathroom Rug $3, Clean' for weeks and weeks.

I think this could be a new fun post topic. You're on to something.

Camp Papa said...

One of my favorites, from even farther down south, is the story of a local man cruising a seedier part of town in his pickup. He solicited an undercover deputy for sex. His side of the deal was to include a used clothes washer and three squirrels. To sweeten the bargain, the squirrels had already been field dressed.

Ginny Marie said...

What in the world was the man who dropped his drawers doing? Sounds like an old Chevy Chase movie!

Elizabeth said...

Who needs The Onion when you have the local paper?

Keely said...

Hahhahah! That makes me want to dig up some headlines from OUR local paper to retaliate, but reading our local paper makes me want to cry.

bigbinder said...

Well, this post sparked a few thoughts. First - I am saying this gently and with great affection - the fact that you have a county newspaper is kind of a dead giveaway that hokey-ness is going to be 90% of the beat reporters' assignments. Up here, we just have city papers (which are going down like dominoes because they are boring). And second - good gracious I miss the South.

Jenni said...

"woman can't remember much" is like the headline of my life.