Now More Bustier!

This afternoon I found myself near the mall, with no children in tow. I never go to the mall--the last time was December. I phoned Matt and said, "I'm just going to pop into the mall and get some shorts." He said, "Great, see you later." He and Hank had just dropped Laura off at a skating party. I assured him that I would be able to pick her up, as that time was three hours hence. So in I went, and I did not dawdle.

By the entrance was a big, new H&M. Or new to me. I strode in purposefully just to lay eyes on the place. Now, I have been in H&M's before when I am sure they had cute things. But this time the stuff in there looked like the feral offspring of American Apparel and Zara, if that blessed union took place at a summer camp run by Mad Max. Terrible. Colors you have never seen before. Cuts that are surely meant to be insulting. Where was the cute? Just depressing, and poorly lit in there. Like when they turn on the lights in a bar at 2am. I even tried some things on, and determined that it all needed to go straight into the garbage. Oh, but I did buy a necklace! So not a total waste of time.

I left H&M and tried to orient myself. I realized that to get to the bathroom, I would have to run the gauntlet of the nail and hair product kiosks, with their carnival barkers. "Hi Ma'am, can I massage your cuticles?" Ugh. But by ducking straight into the Gap, and swashbuckling through Gap, Gap Body, Gap Kids, and BabyGap, which are all connected, I could exit right across from the restrooms and avoid the hawkers. So I did, still striding purposefully.

When I came out I readied myself to traverse the Gaps again. I walked into BabyGap, and right into a trap. Adorable toddler tees. On sale. Okay, so I assessed the situation and picked out an apatosaurus tee, a "Hotdog!" tee, a swordfish tee, and some Hawaiian print trunks ($6.99!) for Hank. Then I successfully charged through Gap Kids without stopping, because seriously, Laura has clothes in her closet with tags on them. And I had a schedule to keep. I couldn't just lose myself in retail.

But when I rounded the corner into Gap Body, it smelled really good in there. I slowed down to sniff the air. And look at the panties, laid out so pretty! Then it dawned on me that a new bra could be the Key to Everything. I am a grown up lady, and skilled in many areas. But my knowledge of brassieres is remedial. I've been buying the same kind for years, even though they do nothing in particular for me. Since, in that department, I've never been well-endowed by my creator with certain, um, inalienable rights, I haven't paid much attention to bra world. But I knew that Gap Body sold the little unstructured triangles of stretchy fabric that I regard as bras. So I started looking. Along the way, a kind of fancy "zero visibility" bra, designed for low-cut shirts, caught my eye. I am all about the low-cut shirts--it's one of the benefits of having no boobs to speak of.


So I grabbed a 36A, which I think of as my size, and went to try it on. It made me look like a mutant. Not good. The helpful salesgirl was hovering, and I said, "Do you have a 38A? Though that can't be right!" The girl said, "Have you tried a 36B?" I said, "No, because a B cup is for people who have boobs. I just have what you see here." She said, "Yeah, can I measure you?" I said, "Knock yourself out." So she did, and she said, "Yeah, you're a 36B, or really a 35, but try the 36B." Then she brought me two bras that I NEVER would have tried on. Because they had molded, shaped cups that were actually shaped like boobs instead of little triangles. I don't buy bras like that. They don't exist in my world. One was the Lightly Lined Lacy T-shirt Bra, and the other was the Ultra Push-Up Bra. Ultra push-up! I do declare. Going from zero push-up to "ultra" push-up was a shock to my system. Settle down girls!

Well darned if she wasn't right. The B cup looked much better. Everything in that, um, region just suddenly made sense. And I lurrrved the push up bra. I realized that I was a walking Oprah show cliché. Remember the show(s) about how most women are wearing the wrong bra size? I never thought it would be me, until it was. Ladies, are you wearing the right size? I mean, congratulations are in order! I woke up an A cup this morning, and I'm going to bed a B cup. So I bought those bras, feeling, by that time, seriously refreshed and recharged by retail therapy.

Then I looked at the clock. Errmm, picking up my child was starting to seem less convenient, because I needed to get her in half an hour, and I still hadn't made it back into the big Gap to look at shorts. All the childfree browsing time had turned my poor head around. So I phoned Matt. I said, "Are you at home?" He said no, and he explained that since we'd last spoken, he'd dropped Laura off at the skating party, taken Hank to lunch and then to throw rocks into Lake Lanier, and had then sat in the car for an hour while Hank napped. I said, "Tell me the best way to get from here to pick up Laura," and he said, "Would you like for me to go get her?" I said, "Yes" and "I marry you" three times just like Nicole Kidman does in Cold Mountain.

So I was free to scope out the Gap, looking for shorts and capris to renew my summer uniform. First of all, omg a pair of cut-off denim shorts costs $49 in the Gap now. Second of all, everything in the Gap is much cuter now than it used to be. For the last couple of years, maybe since Patrick Robinson came on board as the designer there, it is way less sad in that place. I remember when all their clothes looked like what we'd be wearing after the apocalypse. But no more. So I found a blue pair and a white pair of shorts, and got two tops, and then lit out for home feeling completely sated.

That took three hours. I got home and had time to clean up and watch an episode of The Real Housewives of New York City before the rain sent Matt and the kids home from the park. Because he picked up Laura and then took them both to the park to ride bikes. Because he is that awesome. And in exchange for his awesome kid-tending abilities, he gets a bustier wife!

So I have now edged that much closer to Suburban Matron becoming a shopping blog. Maybe spring does this to me. How 'bout you? What's on your shopping list these days?