Bold Social Experimentation

I don't know if you're on the Facebook, but a few weeks ago I noticed something new. Over on the right side of the Home page, the one that has your news feed and all that, a little box of "Suggestions" has appeared, nominating friends that Facebook feels I'm not paying sufficient attention to, and offering ways I might reconnect with them. Have you seen this? Like, "You haven't talked on Facebook lately. Write on her wall." For me these helpful suggestions, rather than making me want to reach out to that friend, actually had something of an opposite effect. I asked my Facebook friends if they thought this Suggestions thing was weird. Here are a few highlights from that discussion:

• It is very weird. If I haven't talked to them in a while, Facebook, there's probably a good reason.
• Yes, here on my page the call to "Write on her wall" is preceded by "Make facebook better for her." Um, really?
• Ooh, my page just told me to "reconnect" with Speaker Pelosi. Nancy, you have a very fine invitation to play Wordpath coming your way.
• If you would stop ignoring your friends, you would not get that message.
• I find the suggestions extra creepy. It's one step away from "Shouldn't you get that laundry done today?" and "Did you really need that second piece of cake after dinner?"
• "Your friend has been down lately. Encourage her."
• My page keeps telling me that my mom only has 9 friends, and I should suggest more for her. It makes me feel kind of bad every time I see it, even though I know she only wants 9 friends.
• "Your friend has no Farmtown neighbors. Stop the hurting. And call your mother. Why are you so selfish?"
• "You know that guy that you're facebook friends with 'cause he's married to your friend and it would be rude not to accept his friend request? Even though you think he's a tool and you think your friend could do MUCH better than the guy who cheats on her and would rather drink a fifth of whiskey than help her take care of their kids? Why doncha poke him?"

So the consensus seemed to be, yes, it is weird to receive friendship tips from Facebook Central Command. What struck me about the little suggestions was their imperative tone: "Write on her wall. Reconnect with her. Help make Facebook better for her. Help her find friends. Welcome her." Finally, I just caved. OKAY, ALREADY! I will reconnect and make Facebook better for all of them! I am only one woman but I will try! GEEZ.

I decided that maybe I should just do everything that Facebook said. Everytime I saw a new suggestion, I clicked over to fulfill its demand. I drew the line at friending people I did not know simply because we had mutual friends in common (everyone knows that a high percentage of those people are People You Hate, because if you have that many friends in common but you aren't friends already, well. . .), and I didn't "Become a Fan" of obscure things that my friends are fans of. I remain a fan of three things on Facebook: Michele Obama (hey girl), The Backyardigans, and Papa John's Pizza, for reasons that are between the Papa and me.

So I clicked, I wrote on walls, I reconnected. I let the love flow. I figured Facebook might know what's good for me and that, like when George Costanza decides to be "Opposite George," good and surprising things might happen. Mostly it was fun to go around and visit the pages of friends I don't chat with that much. I really hesitated, though, when it got to Nancy Pelosi. Yes, the Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. She has a Facebook page and we are friends. And two other Facebook friends of mine are her friends (hey Gretchen), which means, of course, that when I gave in to Facebook's demand and wrote on Speaker Pelosi's wall, our two mutual friends would see that I had done that, and I would feel like a giant tool. Not that you're really a tool if you're into writing on the walls of famous public figures, but you are kinda. I did write on her wall, though. It was the Monday after the late-night health care vote in the House, and I left her a chirpy rah-rah note. I'm sure she was heartened by it.

Okay, so I did that for a few days. And did it work? Did flowers bloom in the desert of my neglected Facebook relationships?

Nope. Everyone except one person ignored me. One of the people who ignored me was my mom. The friend who did acknowledge my overture was an old boyfriend. I wrote on his wall to tell him that Facebook kept wanting me to suggest friends for him, but that I figured he wanted to be left alone, but that he should let me know if he requires assistance in that regard. He replied, "Thank you for your concern, but Smeagol and I are both perfectly happy here with our precious." That made me laugh. Thanks for that, Facebook.

It dawned on me eventually, duh, that what this little suggestion feature does is to generate more clicks and visits to Facebook. You get a message that some dude you used to work with has sent you a hatching egg, even though you haven't talked in a long time and you don't really have a hatching egg relationship, so you wait patiently for the egg to hatch, and then when it does, it's a teddy bear holding a sign that says "Be My Geisha." So who wins in that situation, except Facebook?*

Anyway, guys, thanks for making the internet better for me. We are going up to the mountain house this afternoon to stay more or less all next week. My brother and sister-in-law will be there, which will be a great time. I'm bringing my 30 Day Shred DVD, a new Little People nativity set I got for Hank, liquor, and magazines. Also the dog has had a bath, so life is good. I'll be checking in and blogging one way or another. Have a great weekend and don't forget to reconnect. Or even poke someone.

*Actually, my friend David sent me that exact teddy bear one Valentine's Day, and I have never stopped giggling about it.