Corn on the Cob Through a Picket Fence

Maybe your kids aren't costing you enough money. If so, I recommend sitting down with your child's dentist for an orthodontic consult. I did this yesterday, and he said that Laura has a crossbite, and needs a palate expander to widen her upper jaw. When she closes her teeth, it's like trying to put a tupperware lid on a bowl that it's too small for--you can get one side closed but not the other. So her teeth overlap and her jaw moves to the side.

I didn't have to be convinced that she has a crossbite. You can see it in pictures of her. Look at how one of her front teeth is behind the lower teeth--her bite is wonky. Now that I look at this, it seems like her chin juts a little to the side.

She is not yet 8, so there is plenty of time to expand her upper jaw using a palate expander, which the dentist called an RPE, or rapid palatal expander. It's a little appliance that goes up in the roof of her mouth, attached to her teeth, that we turn with a key every day. This goes on for 6 months or so and costs $1500. I questioned him thoroughly about it, and he doesn't think she will need any braces at this point--just that the crossbite needs to be fixed to prevent future tooth and jaw problems. It seemed to me like a moderate approach. That said, I don't really want to change this beautiful face, and I hope the palate expander won't make her face look different. Has anyone been down this road?

So we are lucky enough to have some orthodontic coverage as part of our dental insurance, but it's a lifetime max of $1000. I think that's pretty standard. Here's where the whole insurance game gets tricky. Dentist guy said that if he bills them the $1500 for the palate expander and all the appointments that come with it, they will pay $750, leaving us to pay the other $750 out of pocket. But if he bills them $3000 for "Phase I Treatment," which includes the palate expander and any braces that came right afterwards, he could "capture" the whole $1000, leaving us to pay just $500 out of pocket. The HMO doesn't care how much he bills, 'cause they're only in for the first $1000. I was like, um, why don't we do that then? That is some serious strategery.

And strategery is what is needed in dealing with these health insurance people. I won't name names, but their initials are Humana. They're all very nice, or at least the people you actually talk to are, but I think the actual business operations must be handled by insane weasels. I am locked in a life and death struggle with them right now over a flexible spending account reimbursment. You know, flexible spending accounts? Where you give them YOUR money before taxes, and then ask for some back to pay for medical or dental expenses? Only they aren't happy with the documentation you give them, because they think that maybe that check you wrote at the dentist wasn't used to pay for dental services? And I'm like, "What other kind of service could there be at the dentist? A mani-pedi?" But don't get me started. And no worries, I will prevail.

So that is the news from our checking account. And Matt is getting LASIK tomorrow morning--on both eyes no less. Hey big spender! So I am reliving my childhood, in which both of my siblings got expensive orthodontia and I didn't need it, for which I still think my parents owe me $5000. It's only fair, RIGHT? And I'm being penalized for having perfect vision too! I think I need a new diamond ring, because WHERE IS MY EXPENSIVE THING THAT'S CUT WITH LASERS??