Cracking Wise

Laura just got off the bus busting to share the latest second-grade witticism. She instructed me to answer "ketchup and rubber buns" to whatever question she asked:

Laura: What do you eat for breakfast?
Me: Ketchup and rubber buns.

Laura: What do you eat for lunch?
Me: Ketchup and rubber buns.

Laura: What do you eat for dinner?
Me: Ketchup and rubber buns.

Laura: What do you do when you see Britney Spears walking down the street?
Me: Ketchup and. . .you stinker, I'm not saying that!
Laura: Get it? YOU RUB KETCHUP ON HER BUNS! (hilarity ensues)
Me: . . . .um
Laura: KETCHUP ON HER BUNS!

I think it's good that we didn't pursue the gifted program last year. I think the regular second-grade classroom is proving plenty challenging for this child. One day last year, around the time we were making that decision, Laura hollered down from upstairs in a panic. "Help! I can't get out!" She had gotten trapped in her duvet cover. She (presumably) crawled through the opening at the bottom, and then couldn't find a way out. Sometimes it's like she is just average. Or like she's a lobster.

Hard Times in the Cul-de-Sac

I checked in with my next-door neighbors, Mindy and Conspiracy Guy, yesterday for the first time in a while, and the tenor of the two conversations was very similar--that their budgets are stretched, and they're finding it hard to make ends meet. Both of them brought this up in response to my "Hey, how's it going" query. It was interesting to me, because their circumstances are very different. They live right next door to each other in roughly the same kind of house. I thought how you can't really assume anything about people's financial situation based on where they live. A neighborhood that looks pretty homogenous can house a lot of different economic stories.

Mindy was bummed out because Ron, her new husband, has come out of retirement to go back to work. They're in their upper fifties, and neither of them had been working. Mindy was living on the annuities and such left behind by her late husband, and I think Ron had just made enough money to retire at a relatively young age. He is a civil engineer, so for him, work means traveling out of town to various building projects. He is gone a lot now, and Mindy is not happy on her own. (We were thrilled when those two started shacking up last year, because Mindy goes a little kooky when left to herself.) Anyway, both their investment portfolios have tanked, so off to work he goes.

And I understand why, because those two spend money like sailors on leave. I say that with no judgment at all--I just mean that their kids are grown and gone, and they are living their version of the good life. They have a lot of toys--they were a two Humvee household, his and hers, until Mindy traded her Hummer in for a Jaguar convertible. (I say no judgment, but the two Humvees seemed crazy to me.) Ron had a fancy motorcycle that he wrecked and replaced over the summer, and they have boats and a couple of other houses, Ron's house from before their marriage and Mindy's cabin in the mountains. And, they run with a fairly hard-partying crowd of people their age who go out every night, dressed to the nines. Matt and I went to a little party they had at their house to announce their engagement. I dressed in a manner that I thought was appropriate for a casual get-together in the summer--like capri pants and a cute top. All the other ladies were in cocktail dresses with Swarovski crystals on their boobs. So Mindy and Ron, not surprisingly, are finding it hard to keep up with all that.
Conspiracy Guy and Mrs. Conspiracy Guy are having it rough. Yesterday I saw CG outside while the kids were playing together, and I said, "Hey, what have y'all been up to?" He said, "Trying to survive. Just trying to figure out how to survive." He is a stay-at-home dad to their 4 and 3 year-olds. Mrs. CG works, but I gather it's not a super high-powered career. What they want, he says, is to downsize to a smaller house with a bigger yard. They don't want to sell in this market, though, so they settled for refinancing their mortgage from an adjustable-rate to a 30 year fixed. (Before that, they'd had their house on the market for months with no nibbles. I think they were asking too much, but what do I know?)

They have a way different "lifestyle" from Mindy and Ron's. No toys, no extras, living pretty light, from what I can tell. I heard through the grapevine that right after we moved in in 2006, Mr. and Mrs. CG tried to start a business where you make millions in real-estate with no money down. I remember CG telling me that they'd gone to a seminar that taught them how. I remember having a sinking feeling as he told me this. So the grapevine part was that they lost all the money they put into it, and some of their family's money as well. That was when they put their house up for sale. So I feel sympathy for them--they seem kind of stuck. I feel bad even if CG is a quasi-Libertarian, paranoid, tax-evading fruit loop, as you will see if you take a moment to peruse that link. Tax evasion may be a strong word, but he explained to me how his plan between now and the end of the year is to take their belongings to Goodwill, one bag at a time, and get the receipt they give you where you fill in the value yourself. He says the max per donation is $599, so every garbage bag of old toys and clothes they donate is worth a $599 tax deduction, in his calculation.

Then I think Conspiracy Guy asked me out on a date. Or, he told me how his wife is gone from today through the weekend and he'll have the girls on his own, and then he said, "You could come over one night and watch a movie." So I'm going to assume that what he meant was, "You could bring the kids over to watch a movie with my kids." But I don't know, ew. Where was I again? Oh yes, hard times. That is my neighborhood report for today. Have a good one!

Tuesday Tidbits: Brotherly Love Edition

A few years ago, while they were still in college, my brother Dave and his roommate decided to make a Christmas sweatshirt. I don't really know what area of human knowledge we can draw on to help us understand that. Just two dudes, creating festive holiday garb. Their particular brand of college hipster culture was so complex that it can't really be known how sincere their efforts were. They certainly weren't snarky about it, but were they making the sweatshirt or quoting the sweatshirt? I think that, perhaps, postmodern irony really has given way to The New Sincerity. Maybe. It's possible that there are young twenty-somethings all over the country who are lovingly crafting that Tampon Turkey centerpiece. But here is the sweatshirt.

Lest you think that this was the half-assed work of a moment, I refer you to the 3D tiny wrapped packages under the felt Christmas tree, which they have decorated with little lightbulbs. My favorite part has to be the cheery and vague "Holidays!" leading up to the pom-pom poinsettias on the shoulder. This thing wants a wider audience. Surrender to its cheeriness. Holidays!

My sister Amy has been recently celebrated on this blog, while Dave has received only brief mention. I thought I would remedy that today because Dave has now started his own blog, Better than Machines. He is the real writer in the family, so check it out if you're into progressive politics. Or just enjoy the sweatshirt. Holidays!

And in keeping with Keely's Random Tuesdays, here's some more Dave and me.

This was Christmas of 2000, when Dave was practically a baby, and I was pregnant with Laura. I also had an acute case of fake Kate Spade. Sigh. I'm sorry y'all, I was new to ebay. But don't I look proud of Dave? And here we are this past August.

We always have a good time together. And I can't figure out how in the heck he turned into a fascinating and productive adult in the last eight years, a period of time when I was mostly experimenting with different hairstyles and buying purses. That's a Patrick Robinson for Target tote, by the way. Always get tons of inquiries about it.

Here we decided to take a series of awkward close-ups. Like so.

This has been a shout out to my brother, one of my top favorite people on Earth. Go check him out. You might like other members of the family better than me. They are all nice people.

And see what else is brewing over at Random Tuesdays.

6 Elements of a Happy Birthday

One more trip around the sun, y'all, and boy are my arms tired! Oh, I am hilarious. Yesterday was my birthday. When I was a little kid, I knew that my birthday was also Pearl Harbor Day, but I didn't know what that meant. Somehow, I formed the idea that Pearl Harbor was that woman on "Hee-Haw" who had the pricetag hanging from her hat. I thought December 7 was a day dedicated to a national celebration of her. Later I found out the real story, and I thought, "Wow, that's much grimmer." So, a day which shall live in infamy. But a good day for me. Here are a few highlights.

1) We had some friends over Friday night, and Matt surprised me with cake. He got up with the kids both Saturday and Sunday, while I slept late. Then he raked leaves in the backyard and supervised Hank at the same time, while I sat on the sofa and read magazines. Or I think that's what I did--it's kind of a pleasant blur.

2) We took the kids to the mall to ride the merry-go-round. It had been so long since we were there--like almost a year--that I don't think Hank remembered the carousel. He was awestruck. He just sat and stared. Like this.

3) Unbeknownst to me, the real reason for our trip to the mall was so Matt could go to the Apple store and get my present. Hello, Lover.

4) I realized that my age is now a perfect square. It really is the little things.

5) I loved hearing from my Facebook friends all day.

6) These little goodies arrived in the mail.

Six napkins, each with a different cookie on it, from our friends David and Michael. LOVE THESE. I am already imagining different table settings for them. I think they will work great for Christmas, too.

Thanks for indulging my birthday scrapbooking. I hope your weekends were cozy and warm!

And Anna has an excellent list today at ABDPBT:

American Girl is Bending My Mind

I think I said here once before that I wasn't going to get Laura an American Girl doll for Christmas this year, because she already has two (she got them for Xmas whens she was 4 and 6), and they don't get played with every day, and they're expensive, and well. . .yeah. So obviously, as soon as American Girl emailed me to say that they were having free shipping, I ordered a doll. I'm like the Manchurian Candidate of Christmas shopping--I just respond to my programming. Ho ho ho, speaking of programming, I just remembered the time that Frenemy Neighbor told me that the American Girl company is "run by feminists." Only she meant that as a warning. Good times in the 'hood.

Laura and her friend and I watched the Kit Kittredge movie, and we admired Kit's determination and spunkiness, so I was surprised when L said she wanted not Kit, but Kit's friend Ruthie. If you have any knowledge of the Kit story, you know that Ruthie is the daughter of the bank president, the one who is foreclosing on the houses of some of Kit and Ruthie's friends. (This is set during the Great Depression--the one in the 1930's, not this one right now.) I had to laugh, because it is so Laura to choose the doll who is living in more comfortable financial circumstances. When given the choice between the Colonial American dolls Felicity and Elizabeth, she chose the Tory, Elizabeth. Just in case the whole Revolution thing didn't work out, you know. A girl's gotta think of where her next pony is coming from.

So I'm not totally sure whether I'm going to keep the doll or not. I want to direct you to a beautiful post that Carrie wrote about taking her daughter to the AG store, because I think it identifies my dilemma--I see that it's extravagant (Laura has two dolls, for the love), but they are so beguiling, and I want something nice for her; I want to give her something so appealing. And she hasn't asked for anything else--she is NOT a mile-long Santa list kid. She asked for a Thomas the Train thing for her brother (she feels she must write on his behalf), and the doll, and a certain webkin. So here comes Ruthie.

But here's the mind-bending part. I was poking around the American Girl website, checking out a sale on doll accoutrements. Each historical doll has period toys she can play with, like a ragdoll or old timey roller skates. Sold separately, of course. Well, the 1970's doll Julie can play with a little Barbie styling head. Remember those things? It's like a bust of Barbie, and you fix her hair and put makeup on her face? Of course, that was big in the 70's, so Julie has one. And both Barbie and American Girl are now owned by Mattel, so it's a nice bit of cross-promotion for them. Balls, pure balls.

For a dizzying moment I experienced a mise en abyme of toys. If Julie has a Barbie, what's to stop AG from making a 1980's girl, say, Jessica, who could have a little American Girl doll for her historically-accurate toy? And that doll could have a tiny American Girl, and so on, and you see the situation. Each tiny doll more historically accurate than the last. And more adorable, at a microscopic level. Also compounding the problem, as The Onion has warned, if the trend of being nostalgic for the relatively recent past continues--having 1970's period dolls, we may be facing a terrifying "retro gap," leaving us stuck "expressing nostalgia for events which have yet to occur." (Go now and read that Onion article. You're welcome.)

Have a good Saturday night, y'all.

What the Elf?

Laura just showed me a picture she drew of a little fellow in a red and green suit, with curly-toed shoes, and said, "This is the elf I'm hoping to get. His name will be Muckle." I was like, "That's cute, babe, but you're standing in front of the TV and I can't see Anderson." She persisted, "Do you want to know how I get the elf?" And I was like, "Okay, how?" She explained that if you leave crackers and water out some night in December, in the morning, an elf will have arrived and taken up residence. She said that he will be a little doll sleeping in a bed, but that every night he will come to life and get up to all sorts of mischief and tomfoolery.

As she spoke I had a dim memory of another mom I know complaining last year that her children had gotten an elf. And the elf was her. It dawned on me that this is some sort of awful plot on the part of the Elf cabal to add items to Mom's Big To-Do List. Lunches packed? Clothes laid out? Homework in school bag? Elf mischief accomplished? Good grief, Charlie Brown. My whimsy reserves are already taxed. The fairy houses are bad enough, and luckily Laura only makes one of those every few months.

What is a fairy house, you ask? Well, those are actually kind of fun, because they don't cost anything, and they are an actual activity. The child builds a little shelter out of bark, leaves, or twigs, and "furnishes" it for a fairy using rocks or flowers are whatever. Then, overnight, the fairy leaves a little treat for the house-builder. This means Mama has to come up with a treat while the child is at school. Last time, I broke into my gift closet and made her a little string bracelet with her name in beads on it. I only went to such lengths because I was out of random baubles that she'd never seen. She was thrilled. She is 7, nearly 8, and I can't tell if she really believes in this stuff or not. When she and her friend both worked on a fairy house recently, I commented to them that they better leave a note so the fairy would know there were two girls involved. They did. L's friend left a note that included her name and address. Her mom asked me, "Do you think I can just leave something in our mailbox?"

So, this elf thing. I did a quick search online, and it looks like there is one particular company that is behind the whole Mom is Your Secret Elf business. Elf Magic claims to be a "timeless Christmas tradition that has created special memories for countless children and families in homes around the world."

They are cute--I am not a total Grinch. And I'm sure your $26.95 (not including shipping) buys a lot of joy. But what gets me is that the website takes this twee tone, never actually explaining what the real deal is--that you will buy this toy for your kids, and you will acquire a temporary part-time job as an Elf. The website enthuses, "From discovering an Elf’s magical arrival in the home, to searching for their hidden Elf after a night full of mischievous adventures – children know the magic in Elf Magic is real!"

It would make me happier if they would admit for a moment that the "magic in Elf Magic" is Mom. We're all adults, here, right? My kid is not shopping on this site. And another thing, I don't know if I have a "night full of mischievous adventures" in me, you know? There are other people in line for that sort of thing, so take a number, Elf. But their determination to be all magical and stuff continues even in the clearance bin for last year's elves, which cracks me up:

While Available... Santa has discounted the Travel Ticket to $24.95 for his elves that did not get to visit a friend in 2007!!! Because of the lower travel fare the 2007 Elves cannot be returned to Elf Magic. They have a one way ticket only!!!

Oh for Pete's sake!

Have you heard of this? Are you doing it? I wonder, if we were lucky enough to get a visitation from one of the magical creatures, what sorts of adventures can they get up to at night? I think my supply of magical mischief might be short. Any ideas? Maybe, reorganizing the silverware drawer? Cleaning the baseboards? I got nothin'.

Turtlemania

With Christmas approaching, I feel that Suburban Matron is in danger of becoming a shopping blog. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I can't help it--when I really like something, I want to tell. One day I'll be that old lady who rides the city bus all day, wanting to show you everything she's got in her shopping bag. Since it's Things I Love Thursday and all, I'm dying to share the newest addition to the family.

It's the Pottery Barn Kids turtle basket. I've linked to the PB site for informational purposes, but by no means are you to click over to shop. When you go the website, it will tell you that the large turtle basket (35"x22") costs $109. What do they take us for? Please, as if! BUT if you find it clearanced in the PB Kids store, the large turtle is $40. A very friendly price, especially if you took one look at the basket, like I did, and started saying, "Mine! Mine! Mine!" like the seagulls in Finding Nemo.

My mom and sister and I were having one last shopping hurrah a couple of days ago before Amy flew back to Australia (I miss my best girlfriend already). I guess I am going through a turtle phase, but I would have bought this even if I didn't have kids. I put it up in Hank's room, under his window, holding his stuffed animals. He took one look at it and said, "I can fight the turtle with my sword?" So I think he likes it. For me it's the right combination of modern and traditional, and whimsical, and wicker. And turtley. Happy Things I Love Thursday!

Oldies But Goodies

We've been having fun digging up classic cartoons on YouTube. The kids and I started out in October looking for Halloween songs, and now we're building a favorites list of Christmas stuff. We especially like old Disney Silly Symphonies.

They're about 8 minutes long, which I find is the perfect length of time to park Hank in front of the screen when I need a Sanity Moment. Some of the Silly Symphonies go back to the 1930's. They give an interesting glimpse of the times they were made in, and they're just good, retro fun. For this Works for Me Wednesday, here are our top faves.

• Pluto's Christmas Tree (1952). Featuring Chip and Dale. Hank loves it when Pluto attacks the tree.
• The Night Before Christmas (1933). All the toys coming to life is a real attention-grabber.
• The Three Little Pigs (1933). Not Christmasy, but this one has me completely riveted. It has the song, "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf," and at one point, when the Wolf dresses up as a Fuller Brush salesman to try to get into the brick house, he is clearly supposed to look like the stereotype of the hook-nosed Jewish peddler. The image is jaw-dropping. Oh, the golden years! (There is actually an interesting history to this scene, and how it was taken out, put in, taken out, and actually put back in the cartoon when it was rereleased in 1996.) Also, Hank is fascinated by the end where the Wolf burns his butt in the pig's fireplace.
• The Ugly Duckling (1939). This is the sentimental favorite of mine, and almost a tearjerker. Laura won't watch it because she thinks it's too sad, even though the baby swan finds his mama at the end. The great thing about finding these cartoons on YouTube is that they tell stories and fables that cartoons today don't adapt. I didn't know until we watched this that Laura didn't know the story of the Ugly Duckling. The classics really are brand new for those who do not know them.

So, classic cartoons on YouTube work for me! The kids really enjoy watching these, and they love being able to choose what they like off the little list we made for them. With more and more TV available over the internet, I am this close to canceling the cable. Once I've watched my entire Tivo'd backlog of "House," that is.