Segway Tour: Walking Makes Me Sad Now

While we were in Asheville over the weekend, Matt had a surprise outing for us. We got up Monday morning and he said, "What are the most comfortable shoes you brought?" And I was like, "These thong sandals with big brass salamanders on top, naturally. I didn't know there would be, like, hiking." After he asked that I figured that we were going to meet up with a walking tour, or maybe one of the trolleys I'd seen around town. But no!

ZOMG Segways! He'd booked us spots with Moving Sidewalk Tours. When we got to the Asheville Visitors' Center and I realized what we were doing, I squealed like a tiny baby girl. I'd always been curious about those things, and I couldn't believe they were going to let me get on one. It crossed my mind that I would possibly drive it into a telephone pole, but I was so excited! I resolved to be the most A+++ student of Segway ever and to not endanger other people much at all.

Fortunately our guide, Wes, passed out helmets (Matt got the Evil Knievel helmet) and gave us a lesson before we hit the open road. It was just us and one other couple, which was great. There was only one awkward moment, after Wes had pointed out which were the bigger helmets and which were the smaller ones, and I reached for a bigger one. The other girl said, "But that's one of the bigger ones," and I was all, "Look at the size of this melon." Anyhoo.

So, the instructions for successfully getting onto the Segway:

1) Step up onto it.

2) Just stand there.

Magical fairies down underneath your feet do the work of holding you steady. You don't balance, you just stand and breathe. It feels weird for about thirty seconds and then it feels totally amazeballs.

Then, when you want to move forward, you just barely lean forward with your hips, and you glide forward exactly like you glide in your best dreams. Wes was leading us around the parking lot, and I was getting the hang of it, weaving around obstacles and zooming on the sidewalk. All at once I found myself saying, "I feel that I am magic!" Only I kind of yelled it, like, "I feel that I AM MAAAAGIIIIIIIIC." Wes was like, "Yeah, that feeling is normal." And there were rainbow-colored comet trails of sparkles shooting out behind and bluebirds and cartoon squirrels raced along, trying to keep up with me.

If I had a Segway I would go outside right now, in the dark, and ride all over the neighborhood in my socks. Segway!

So you use the handlebars only to turn; you can actually ride with no hands, which is helpful if you are having a conversation and need to add gestures. Wes showed us a technique where you actually steer with your knees, leaving your hands permanently free for I don't know what. The other thing the handlebars do, I found, is nudge against your hips when the Segway decides you're going too fast. This happened to me a couple of times toward the end of our tour when I was getting cocky and sorta kinda racing.

Asheville is the perfect-sized place for a Segway tour. We spent about three hours and covered practically the whole downtown, much more than you could do in a walking tour. I so totally recommend doing this if you have a chance. Plus, when we stopped for coffee, we got to leave our Segways in a little row out front, and I was all, "Yeah, this is the way to make an entrance." I felt like I was at the very top of the Nerd Food Chain.

The other couple, Roger (in red) and Victoria, was also celebrating their anniversary. Yay!

This is a new war memorial for Western North Carolinians, and it is hard to take an appropriately somber picture when people are zooming around it on Segways.

So, you know how when you're on the moving sidewalk at the airport and then you step off and it feels like a letdown? Like the ground is so unfriendly to your forward progress and your feet are so dull? That's what getting off the Segway is like, times a kabillion. After our tour we went back into downtown and got lunch, and it was so sad to be shuffling along the same streets we'd zoomed down earlier. Walking is so boring now. Really, it is like dead to me. Stupid dumb walking!

But what a wonderful treat! I did not want to give that thing back. Y'all have got to try it if you haven't. Good thought, Matt! You want him on your team, people.