Tomorrow

My surgery is finally tomorrow, Tuesday, at 1:00. I don't like it when I no longer have a time buffer between me and unpleasant events. Like, all weekend I thought, "Oh, it's three more wake-ups," or two more wake-ups. I think the guys in Platoon counted that way? I'll spend the night in the hospital tomorrow night and hopefully come home sometime Wednesday.

Actually I want it to happen and be over. I am so worn out from worrying about it, dreading it, being distracted from it, being reconciled to it, thinking and not thinking about it, and just plain waiting for it. Just get off my horizon and happen already.

I never did tell y'all about my meeting with the plastic surgeon, a friendly lady who seems very good. She's well thought-of by everybody I've talked to, anyway. So I didn't realize that they wouldn't put an implant in right at the same time as the mastectomy. I thought that's what "mastectomy with reconstruction" meant. Like, all the doctors would stand around and say, "Gentlemen, we can rebuild her." Or "Ladies," in this case, 'cause it's a hen party up in that OR. What they actually do is put something called an expander in, which is like an implant that can be filled with saline little by little. I still don't totally understand why they can't go right to implant because it's not like I'm trying to recreate a D cup here, but she said they almost never do that. They swap in the implant in a whole 'nother surgery down the road somewhere. So, okay. I complained to Matt, "It's just that I keep finding out this is going to take longer than I thought."

Also in the plastic surgeon's office, a nurse who is also that surgeon's patient showed me her reconstruction. She sent Matt out of the room and talked to me, then she showed me her boobs. I thought, "Wow, I'm getting a lot for that $35 copay!" She was a sweetheart, truly, and she looked good too.

Another nice thing about the plastic surgeon's office was that her robes are fluffy terry. Again with the almost-but-not-quite spa experience.

Then they took some of the least flattering photos of me that have ever been taken. The lighting was just impossible.

So now I know basically what's going to happen in there tomorrow, and I just have to go and do it. Somebody around these parts, if not me, will update you guys. I know that you guys are reading and hanging in with me and wishing me well. Even if we haven't met, your love and caring is as real to me as if you lived next door. So thank you for that. I will see you on the flip side!