Ask Suburban Matron

Halloo! Matt and I just got back to Sydney from our Vanuatu adventure. I missed you desperately, even though we had a wonderful time. I will have much to share about that, but while I get my photos downloaded and clean the island funk off my body, I wanted to give you something to chaw on. A troubled reader needs our help. She writes:

Dear Suburban Matron,

I need your help with a domestic etiquette issue. Some friends gave us a $100 gift certificate toward a photo session--a unique and thoughtful baby shower gift, or so I thought and still think. A mutual friend of the gift-giver keeps asking when we are going to do our session. We haven't had time and I need to get my roots done first, but yesterday I finally looked into it because we are starting to run out of excuses. The total price for a sitting is $300. My mate's response is, "Who gives a gift that requires you to spend $200?" True enough, but clearly they think we can afford it. Nevertheless, $200 is a lot of money and right now is not a good time to spend it on something we would never choose to spend it on--you see, we are not really the kind of people who do portraits. Not because we don't like them, but because I am patently unphotogenic when it comes to staged portraiture. The husband says, "No way we're doing it." I think that it's more delicate than that. Our friends will know if we don't use the gift certificate. It will hurt their feelings and make them feel as though they wasted their money. As you can see, this is a serious dilemma in need of your keen insight into human behavior and domestic bliss.

Sincerely,

Candid in California

Hmm, Candid, that is a pickle. Thank goodness you wrote, as I know the SubMat readers are a savvy bunch and will help you through. While I do see the thoughtfulness of their gift, it was also a little presumptuous to give it to you knowing what the total tab would be. Maybe better to avoid those kinds of presents? But they didn't, so here you are. As I was collecting my thoughts, I polled the extended Matron family. They had various responses.

One strong current of opinion is that you don't owe the gift-givers anything further than a heartfelt "Thank you," which you surely have already delivered. That is technically correct in Etiquette Land. Giving someone a gift does not come with the right to ask about it in the future. But I feel, as you obviously do, that this will not serve you in your present situation, where your mutual friend seems determined to find out when you set up your portrait sitting and how it goes (and what you wore? She must be a curious soul, because who would ask about such a thing more than once?).

My sister points out that, since it is your mutual friend and not the gift-givers who is asking, all you really need is something to say to her. That could be right. In the real world, what I would really do, probably, is to say to the mutual friend something like, "I think we'll wait until the baby is a bit older (or walking, or married, something) and do it then." That would defer the photo shoot until some vague future, and it seems unlikely that it would ever be brought up again.

Or here's an alternate response: Matt says Candid's friends didn't give her a gift certificate, they gave her a coupon. He feels that they won't be out any money if she didn't use the present. I don't know where he gets this certainty, and Candid, you know better than us if this could be the case. Just throwin' that in there. Often dude is right about these things.

What do you say, sensitive and tactful readers? There is also the straightforward and direct option, where Candid could say to the gift-giving friend, "You know, this is so sweet of you guys, but we just won't be able to take advantage of this. I want you to take it back and give it to someone who can use it." I mean, that's the direct way, but would any of us really be able to do that? I am eager to hear what y'all think, and I know Candid is too.