Today's Preoccupations: Things Not to Say

I'd like to make a series of recommendations. Here are some phrases I would like to not hear anymore:

1) “Pops of color,” used in talking about decorating: This scourge started on the proliferating home shows on TLC and those channels. Now it has infected the speech of normal people. Anyone who says this automatically sounds like a twit. Instead, just say, “I like red,” or the color in question. Or just say nothing. If you are actually being interviewed by the editors of House Beautiful, go with “I like red.”

2) A “perfect storm” of anything. It’s not that I think this phrase should only be reserved for talking about the weather. But a simple coincidence is not a perfect storm. This phrase should be kept for a truly extraordinary confluence of circumstances, like circumstances that would result in the drowning of George Clooney and Markie Mark AND that other guy from Boogie Nights. Instead, maybe say “a confluence of circumstances.” And then explain what you mean. Help us make sense of what happened by putting the different aspects of the situation in a narrative. Thanks!

3) “Drill down” on something. In, like, computer-speak or IT, this means to move from general information to specific data, like by moving deeper into the hierarchy of directories on your computer, or by querying a database. But now people use it metaphorically, it seems, to just mean getting more information. It even has a noun, “Here’s what I learned from the drilldown.” Don’t talk this way. It’s jargony. And you sound like one of those bluetooth headset guys who tries to butt in line at the airport.

4) “At the end of the day. . .”: Just never say this. What are you talking about? You’re trying to cue us to the fact that you’re about to deliver a profound summation. It is irritating. Instead, maybe just stick with, “I think. . . .”

5) Fierce: This is done. It may have always been done. But I could see it being funny in about 8 years, so we’ll reconvene then.

6) "24/7": This is tired. And usually inaccurate. But it can be saved! Instead, say, “24/7 like 7/11.” Keep your delivery arch. Then it is funny.

And what I’d like to hear more of:

1) Great Caesar’s Ghost! Or sweet sassy molassy! Or sweet fancy Moses! Or heavens to mergatroid! Try these old timey sayings. Really put some relish into them. These phrases are like the Mrs. Dash of ejaculations (hee hee)! And speaking of ejaculations. . .

2) Really any archaic vocabulary: I cannot get enough of it. If you read a lot of old novels, you probably already sound a little like a nineteenth-century social comedy. But more is even better. If, instead of saying something “makes you sick” or “drives you crazy,” you say that if gives you "the fantods," you have my full attention. And I am delighted.

3) The Eff Word: Yes, the mother of all bad words. I know people always talk about how profanity is overused and loses its impact and we’re all desensitized to it. I disagree. I think the eff word never loses flavor or freshness. The anti-profanity people will sniff, “I think using cursewords is a sign of a limited vocabulary. Can’t you construct a sentence without those words?” Perhaps, but those words are words like all our other words, so why not take ‘em out for a spin? Lighten up, Francis.

4) Fo ‘shizzle, etc: Shizzle everything, I SWEAR. It’s funny. Again, keep your delivery slightly arch and enunciate carefully. Maybe, “For shizzle,” instead of “fo’shizzle.” Once, years ago, my sister had just had her first baby and I was visiting her in Dallas. We were driving around aimlessly with her newborn baby in the back of the car, trying to ward off postpartum cabin fever. We were hoping to maybe see a movie at the neighborhood theatre, but as we drove up, we could see a long line winding out of the building and down the block. We both, without premeditation, said in unison, “Forgizzle!” (Like, “Forget it.”) A new coinage, as far as we knew. And I don’t think we have ever laughed so hard. Maybe you have to be caring for a newborn for it to be funny. But it still makes my eyes crinkle up.

So what do you want to hear less of? Or more of? Unfold, that we may attend.